kill, secretary, kill!

sare and mo reconnect

2009-04-09T12:37:00.001-04:00

mo: i see your face
sare: helloes my love!
sare: 2 1/2 hours at el stinko gymmo
mo: HELLO! ding dong
mo: can we move to ireland?
sare: UM YES
mo: good thanks. so you wanna come to lunch some day?
sare: surely! thursday?
mo: sounds great!!
sare: heeraaay ! drop me an email at some point with the directions and when you want me there
mo: please! to do that!: yes what? i don't know but you'll get pants when you arrive
sare: pants!
mo: jean pants!
sare: denim trousers
mo: not gouchos
sare: not coulouttes
sare: cowlouttes
mo: i'm gearing up for leaving i love leaving
sare: yeeeeeees
mo i am so glad you don't work at the job but i miss you
sare: i dont miss the job but i miss the connection to you there
mo: exactly YOU KNOW WHAT IS SO SAD FOR YOU?
sare: what is?
mo: you have to coach during the best night of tv (biggest loser)
sare: i knoooooooooooooooooow
mo: i'll take picture of the tv
sare: haha i am giong to hurry home
mo: luckily it's two hours. so what i want to see more of? is their actual working out
sare: right?: less of thouse four hour boring challenges
mo yeah - last challenge? eh whatever. show me how hard it is to do a sit up please
sare: it might be nice for the show to actually like show people how to work out a little. right like be edutaining
mo we should do our own dam reality show
sare: me too!
mo: it would be kill secretary kill the skinny makin
sare: KSK: THINNAH
mo we'd wear blastic (black plastic bags) to excercise in
sare: like martin lawrnce and run around in our tightie whities
mo: i thought you were saying that martin lawrence was a black plastic (bag)

sare & mo talk politicalish

2008-09-26T11:09:00.002-04:00

mo: sarah palin on the bail out: " . . . where it is the taxpayers looking to bail out. But ultimately, what the bailout does is help those who are concerned about the healthcare reform that is needed to help shore up our economy. Um, helping, oh -- it's got to be all about job creation too. Shoring up our economy, and putting it back on the right track. So healthcare reform and reducing taxes and reining in spending has got to accompany tax reductions, and tax relief for Americans, and trade, we've got to see trade as opportunity, not as a competitive, um, scary thing, but 1 in 5 jobs being created in the trade sector today. We've got to look at that as more opportunity. All of those things under the umbrella of job creation. This bailout is a part of that."

sare: “I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because, uhmmm, some people out there in our nation don't have maps and uh, I believe that our, I, education like such as, uh, South Africa, and uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as, and I believe that they should, uhhh, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., uh, should help South Africa, it should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future, for us.”

mo: HAAAAAAAA is that what the beauty contestant said?

sare: yes

mo: ur genius

sare & mo with extra killing sauce

2008-07-28T13:43:00.003-04:00

sare: i hate people today too!
lets go on a punching spree!

mo: can we?
please!!!

sare: fuck yes
instead of fists we can use KNIVES

mo: how about this!
are you ready? just a slight adjustment
we make fists with knifes in each knuckle place

sare: like wolverfuckingine
yeha. we doing that.
also, we can crawl around under desks and give ankle papercuts.

mo: is it ok if that's all we do?
i don't want to go to jail

sare: well, i guess you're happy not getting your point across

mo: OH MY GOD SARAH
don't make me punch you
WITH MY KNUCKLE KNIFES
(when secretaries fight)

sare: >SHING<
oh its the worst.
when we turn on each other.
it's the saddest.

mo: pretty awful bad
because come on ! we are the theme song from growing pains

sare: PAIN.
is my middle
NAME
and it is
GROWING
also, i will go on a breaking chair spree
make them way too low
it will be comical, and annoying, and VERY BAD ON BACKS

mo: if i could just say to people exactly what i felt without a repricushion (wow, spelling how are you?) that's what my spree would be

sare: people would be getting it though.
like, "I'm sat on the floor practically. I should not be a dick anymore."
and then while they are down there you could say what you needed to say

mo: i always lower them because of the shortness of me - but i never remember to raise it
i'm a DOUCHE! WITHOUT KNOWLEDGE

sare: you are SCHOLLING
SCHOOLING
SCHOOLYD

mo: ME & JULIO DOWN BY THE SCHOOLYARD?

sare: THE SCHOOLYARD BY YOUR ANKLES, WHERE YOU HAS PAPERCUTS
ANKELCUTZ

mo: WATCH AS I CHASE MY TAIL!

sare: WHEE
I AM SORRY YOU ARE BUZY

mo: U KNOW WHAT I'M SORRY ABOUT
MYSELF
HA

sare: NEVAH BE SORRIES

in loving memory of things we used to remember

2008-07-22T15:28:00.001-04:00

mo: she won't travel back down this road
in reference to the golden girl theme song
because i'm retarded
carry on

sare: haha
i'm trying to remember the theme song to it, but i get the different stroeks theme stuck in my head instead
the world dont move to the beat of just one drum, esetelle

mo: you take the good you take the bad - bad means you're dead ms. getty

sare: making your way in the world today takes everything you've got. you don't have to worry about that anymore.

mo: charles in charge of your wrongs and your rights but of course in your case i actually mean God

sare: Show me that smile again. (Show me that smile)Don't waste another minute on your cryin.We're nowhere near the end (nowhere near), except that you actually are.

mo: the heat is on. the heat is on-on. is it? are you in hell?
(i know it's not a theme song from tv - i really hope that you can find it in your heart to forgive me)

sare: Their the world's most fearsome fighting team, (we're really hip)they're heroes in a half shell and they're green. (hey get a grip)When the evil Shredder attacks,Those turtle boys don't cut 'em no slack..Also, you died.

mo: what would we do baby, without us?
oh wait
i guess there is no more us
sha la la la?

greetings from camp sare & mo

2008-05-23T14:18:00.001-04:00

mo: dear sarah,
i love you!
but alas, i love food more
love,
michele

sare: dear michele,
i totally get where you are coming from.
love,
sarah's tummy

mo: dear sarah's tummy,
what did you do with sarah?
love,
michele's brain that thinks things

sare: dear michele's brain that thinks things,
I have essentially taken over where her higher functions have failed.
QUICK! 987 divided by 8!
love,
sarah's tummy

mo: dear sarah's tummy,
that's was mildly unfair because as i told u earlier i'm hungry. luckily, there was a calculator nearby and the answer is 123.375. i really didn't need to take any math in school, MOM. (sorry, my mom isn't here but maybe somewhere she's actually figured out the 'internets' and will read this.
love,
michele's fingers and brain that thinks things
ps - please pretend i put in a )

sare: dear michele's fingers and brain that thinks things,
meomeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmeowmewmewmewmewmewmeow yawn.
love,
a kitten

mo: dear kitten,
oh, come here! i kisses u.
love,
michele as a 4 year old
ps - i go now because 4 years are more hungry than mere adults

sare: meow

sarie & mo dream of alaska

2008-05-09T13:17:00.004-04:00

mo: oh then she shall not die!
instead you die for dreaming it
sorry

sare: oh noes!
every time!

mo: must.kill.

sare: but!

mo: i have a thurst

sare: but1
but one!

mo: bye bye, stinkbutt

sare: one world, one butt

mo: wanna a last meal?
a smoke?

sare: yes
no smoke

mo: a note to your mama

sare: tell her happy mothers day I'M IN JAIL!

mo: not jail silly
deeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaathhhhhhhhhh
oh and for my last meal - jot this down - i want this one pizza from sitka, ak

sare: interesting
not from John's?

mo: and this one burnt cream (creme brule) from this one place in seattle
no
and it may be just the memory of it?

sare: VERY INTERESTING

mo: but it was the best pizza i've ever had

sare: i had an ice cream sundae on wednesday
that? tasted so good.
when was the last time i had ice cream? LIKE FOREVER AGO
I AM IN THE JAIL OF NO SWEET DAIRY
WE ARE IN NYC
IT IS THE LAND OF BEST PIZZA I DONT KNOW ANYWHERE
EVAR
BUT I STILL HAS TO GO TO SITKA
I AM TALKING TO MYSELF

mo: NO I'M HERE AND I'M LIFTIN U UP TO ALASKA

sare: YOU KNOW WHO LIVES IN ALASKA?
UNMARRIED HUSBANDS!

mo: DO NOT DISREGARD THE MOOSE

sare: I WILL DISREGARD THEM

mo: SARAH

sare: I WILL DISREGARD THEM IN THEIR FACES

mo: OH NO SHE DINN

sare: THEY MADE ME MISS MY BIRTHDAY AND THEN LATE FOR WORK!

mo: settle down now
they're your friends!
they will take you both to work aaaaaaaaaaand birthday surprises

sare: BUT THEN YOU MURDERS ME SO WHO CARETH?
WHO DOTH CARETH!

mo: I CARE
THE MOOSE CARE

sare: oh nice.

mo: UR MOM? SHE CARE

sare: RAIGHT?
THANK YOU FOR ANSWERING MY NON-RHETORICAL QUESTION OF WHO CARETH!
BACK TO YOU IN THE STUDIO!

sare and mo find the true nature of *****

2008-04-11T12:27:00.002-04:00

mo: from the nytimes: When Ben Ratliff caught ****** Jeans a few months ago atthe underground club Silent Barn in Ridgewood, Queens, theaggressively moshing crowd got in the way of the show.Which is saying something, because ****** Jeans (the starsstand for a bodily fluid-cum-verb
sare: ew
ew
ew
mo: i wish (not really but sort of) knew what it meant
sare: Jizz?
mo: duh
sare: yikes!
mo: there's more *'s than jizz though
maybe that's why i not smart like sarah!
i call you trashmouth sarah from now on
sare: maybe its not jizz
mo: DON'T BACK DOWN
sare: maybe its jizzy?
mo: OWN IT
oh oh oh!
sare: i am guessing!
mo: trashmouth you ain't guessin
sare: start googling it
mo: u's knowin
sare: oh come now
mo: um YOU google search it
sare: NO YOU
mo: trashmouth don' haffta cauz she be knowin
u so diiiiiiiiiirty
sare: you r drrty !
you brought itup!
mo: U
sare: mo?
mo: trashmouth don't deny your true self
yes?
sare: what's that on your jeans?
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH
burn
mo: oh no no you didnnnnnnnnnnnnts
YOUR JIZZ
sare: you...
mo: wait this got real ugly
sare: ... wish
mo: oh and then sexy
sare: yeah
mo: hawt!
sare: and then a little humiliating
mo: i want my mommy
sare: and then hot again
mo: TRASHMOUTH!
sare: THE TRASHMOUTH HAS SPOKEN!

sarie and mo count down to 5 o'clock

2008-02-13T14:22:00.002-05:00

sare: oh man!
LETS GET THE FLOCK OUT OF HERE ALREADY
I AM READY TO FLY
LETS GO SURF IS DEFINITELY UP
UP YOUR BUTT

mo: IT HURTS!
SALTWATER

Sarah: GOOG FOR FLUSH
RIDE OUT ON WAVES
GOOD
GOOG
GOOG

mo: GOOG GRAGY!

Sarah: GET GOOD, GET GOOG

mo: GOOG IS ON YOUR SIDE

Sarah: YOURE A GOOG GAN CHARLIG GROG

mo: I GOGS HEADACHES

Sarah: TAKE IBUGROGRIN
AND FLUSH OUT YA BUTT

mo: OOOOOOOH ! GOOG IGEA!

Sarah: NUTHING BU THTE BEST FOR MY GOGGALIEGOGO
GOOOGLIE GOO
http://www.google.com/

mo: HAAAAA
http://www.google.gom/

Sarah: http://www.imgb.com/
INTERNET MOVIE GATABASE
GAYTABASE
WE'RE SO ONTO SOMETHING ITS SCARY
LETS STEP BACK FOR AMINIT
i think i might go get my tarot cards read
tonight
that or laundry!

mo: snow = tarot!

Sarah: no lines no waiting!
your future awaits you

mo: hee!

Sarah: i wish i lived in a world where :07 was the same as :15
but i do live in that world, BUT IN THE MORNING ONLY

mo: ok
i SWEAR TO GOD

Sarah: DID THAT MAKE ZENSE TO YOU

mo: I AM GOING ON MY THIRD POPTART AUDITION TOMORROW
oh! caps

Sarah: POPTARTS ARE SO DELIECLOUD
IS THIS THE SAME COMMERCIAL
OR DIFFERENT COMMERCIALS

mo: no it's always different
this maybe actually my 4th

Sarah: OH FOR THE LOVE

mo: what's awesome though is the location of the studio

Sarah: JUST HIRE HER ALREADY1
IS IT IN A BATHROOM?
GOOG ACOUSTICS

mo: and how
you mean
that you wish that you could wake up at :15?
as opposed to 07?

Sarah: I MEAN I WISH THAT 5:07 WAS A TIME THAT I WANTED TO LEAVE
BUT I AM NOT RELALY ALLOWED TO LEAVE UNTI L5:15
BUT IF I AM 7 MINUTES LATE I NTHE MORNING, OH BOY
IT'S LIKE I AM LATE AN HOUR
ITS LIKE I AM LATE A CENTURY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mo: I GETS IT NOW
HAVE THEY GOTTEN WORSE?
WHATS THIS ABOUT U THINK?

Sarah: BUT IN ACTUALLY I DONT GET I NTROUBLE FOR BEING LATE
IT IS A BAD THING I DO A LOT!
I GET I NTROUBLE WITH MYSELF

mo: OH! NO MORES OF THAT

Sarah: RIGHT
ENDING NOW!
OH MAN
I GET TO EXCAPE

sarie & mo, hard hitting political analysts

2008-01-29T15:21:00.000-05:00

mo: had to call this guy and his voicemail had john mccain as the message i thought for a second i had john mccain's cell phone number

sare: the maybe president john mccain?

mo: yeah - i would have pranked the shit out if

sare: what did it say?

mo: this is john mccain, Darren Stevens (name changed to protect the big time executive who gave enough money to john mccain to get him to leave a message on his vmail) can't come to the phone because he's working hard for his clients and for me!
or something
good times

sare: if i pranked, i would say "hey John Mccain. This is your doctor. Did you poop out your butt today? if not, please call me."

mo: "hey john mccain! i like ice cream and cars. what are your dreams?"

sare: and then I'd pretend I was Hilary and invite him to a 5-way with the black-eyed peas.

mo: i'd call and say, "this is tom brady! i'm a true patriot. sucker."
but then, i'd call back and say "not really! you were a pow in NAM! that is so bad ass
you can be my president if you maybe let me have an abortion that i really would never have."

sare: "seriously. I am looking over some tests we did, and you need too poop out of your butt a lot. Please call me to talk about it."

mo: "john mccain! john mccain! your name rhymes with purple raiiin!"

sare: "Mr. Mccain, this is Peep Video calling. You've accrued a late fee on Poking Hontas and Beauty and the Preist. Please call me."
"Are you insane in tthe membrane? "

mo: "john mccain, this is the big one. the JC? you know! Jesus! good luck on the race! I love the nightlife."

sare: "hi this is lorne michaels. We loved having you host our show, and we'd love to take you on as a regular cast member. Also, your doctor called here looking for you. Please tell him to stop leaving such long messages. also, PSYCH about the cast member part. GOP SUX. I'm serious about your doctor, though."

sarie & mo help out the striking writers

2007-11-20T15:00:00.000-05:00

mo: if i lived in the country i'd have have a cat barn

sare: cat barn!

mo: all cats, all time

sare: cat barn 3: needle in a yaaaaastake

mo: cat barn: the reckoning

sare: cat barn: kitty in the city

mo: cat barn: meow free or purr hard
seed of cat barn

sare: cat barn II: judgement day
cat barn-kittahpire licks back

mo: cat barn: 28 kittens later

sare: cat barn 3: the edge of squeezin

mo: cat barn: kitten v. puppy

sare: cat barn: the wrath of kittah

mo: cat barn: three cats and a little kitten
cat barn 2: lost in new york kitty

sare: cat barn:the lost kitty of gold (and milk)

mo: cat barn: the voyage
cat barn returns

sare: cat barn 2: red white and cute

mo: cat barn: another almighty
cat barn: 3-D

sare: cat barn seven: return to kittah mountain!

mo: the next cat barn kid
cat barn: The Hairy Tick

sare: a kittahful mind

mo: cat barn: The Quest for Purrs

sare: cat barn raider: cradle of kittens

mo: cat barn 2: mews control
Book Of Shadow Puppets: Cat Barn 2

sare: The Barn Meowpremecy
The Barn Kittymatum

mo: Cat Barn Vacation
After the Cat Barn
Dawn of the Barn

sare: teenage mewtant ninja kittens: secret of the meows

mo: Kttens in a half shell

sare: kiten power!

mo: kittenana Jones and the Last Catsade
cat barn takes meowhattan

sarah and mo say "SHUT YOUR FACE, LOVE."

2007-11-15T15:56:00.000-05:00

sare: dude
there's cholera in my drink
spirulina, cholera, broccoli
spinach
they just slipped it in there

mo: as in love in the time of?

sare: yeah

mo: who the f*ck did this sarah? i can't live without you?
also, i'm not spanish ... which means something somewhere

sare: where is the love part
WHERE IS THE LOVE

mo: it's sung about often but i'm not sure where it's actually kept
sare: oh green machine
i guess at the bottom of this bottle
also blue green algea
and grlic
wait
chlorella
still

mo: PLEASE! TURN BACK

sare: NONE OF THAT CAN BE GOOD FOR ME

mo: RIGHT! SO UM, TURN BACK!
think of all the mashed potatoes you won't be able to have again

sare: SRSLY
BUT LOVE IS PROMISED

mo: love is NEVER KIND

sare: I LURVE LURVE

mo: oh wait
love is never something

sare: LOVE IS NEVER MESSY

mo: love occasionally forgets to pick up your dry cleaning

sare: LOVE SHOWS UP AT YOUR DR APPTS AND PAYS YOUR COPAY

mo: love rinses out the GD sponge in the sink and puts it on the side so it doesn't get wet again. because when it gets wet again it festers and forms into cholera

sare: LOVE LOVES CHOLERA
AND COLORADO

mo: AND CHLAMYDIA

sare: AND CLAM SAUCE

mo: LOVE IS A FILTHY WHORE

sare: SERIOUSLY
AND NEVER LEAVES A BIG ENOUGH TIP

mo: SOMETIMES, LOVE JUST DOESN'T TELL YOU "HEY, SORRY - I DID REALIZE YOU WANTED TO EAT THAT YOGURT EVEN THOUGH YOU CLEARLY MARKED IT AS YOURS."
LOVE IS ALSO BAD WITH QUOTATION MARKS

sare: AND LOVE IS LIKE "AY! YOU CANT STAY MAD AT ME! i'M LOVE"
WHICH IS ANNOYING!

mo: BECAISE OT
OOPS! LOVE GOT ON MY KEYBOARD
BECAUSE THINK ABOUT IT - IT'S LOVE

sare: RIGHT?
GETS AWAY WITH EVERYTHING

mo: I'M SICK OF LOVE!

sare: AY LOVE, PACK YER BAGS

mo: LOVE YOU'VE GONE WAY OVER THREE STRIKES

sare: DONT GIMME THOSE EYES

mo: I STOPPED EATING DARK CHOCOLATE. IF YOU PAID ANY ATTENTION TO ME YOU'D KNOW I'M HAVING A LIFE CHANGE OF EATING

sare: AND GUESS WHAT, "LOVE", I'VE BEEN LEARNING CERAMICS AT THE ANNEX, SO BITE ME!

mo: DO YOU THINK YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN MAKE POSITIVE CHANGES IN THEIR LIFE? WHAT WITH YOUR NEW HAIR CUT AND DAPPER CLOTHES. YOU'RE SUCH A SELFISH TURD, LOVE. A SELFISH TURD.

sare: A SELFISH TURD FULL OF CHOLERA AND CLAM SAUCE

how sarie & mo became trillionaires

2007-11-06T10:20:00.000-05:00

mo: so, i had to change my taxes for marrage

sare: how was that?

mo: they withheld like a $100 more

sare: oh sh*t

mo: i must have f*cked it up. so i called to say - i am really bad at this and the woman was like you'll need to talk to your accountant and i laughed and said accountant, riiiiiiiiiiiight

sare: oh here he is, hello accountant who lives under the chair, what should i do?
>tinkle bell<
You're right!

mo: accountant! when i'm diversifying my stocks and donating to people who have so much less than i - ie: only the people who actually live on the streets have less than i - do you think i should also accrue for future revenue from space?

sare: >tinkle tinkle<

mo: oh accountant! you know your stuff. now, what do you think the NASDAQ is going to do on muesday?

sare: >tapp tapp<
>magic dust<

mo: really! hmmm, what are the key devlopments to the fiscal revenue outlook of which you speak?

sare: >wiggle butt<

mo: ACCOUNTANT! that's insider trading. mrs. wordell would not be pleased by that and may indeed take away your pecan pie!

sare: >magic dust<

mo: oh, it's ok! i won't tell her - if you'll tell me what's on your quote watchlist and your expert picks.

sare: >tinkle bell!<

mo: those are funds that even this lazy investor would love!

sare: >shooting star wink<

mo: accountant, you have the key to stability. i will buy and sell! good idea

sare: >magic flower<

mo: ha! google & facebook. internet really will bring in the motherload. good idea again

sare: >click heels<

mo: i'll just do an early dip into my 401(k) and bob is your uncle.

sare: >flies to the window<

mo: good bye accountant and hello millions of pennies

sare: >woosh<

u mae kiz da bride

2007-08-30T09:24:00.000-04:00

sare: i understand!
I love you!
lets get married!
mo: i do!
sare: OK
WE DO IT
BES MARRIED
mo: dones!
sare: DIS SO GRATE
mo: you want health insurance?
here!
sare: LETS HAVE CATS
YESH PLEE
mo: done alreadies
sare: OH MANS I FEEL STRONG AND HEALTHY BONES
mo: here's some milk
sare: BEING MARRIE DIS GRATE
NOM NOM NOM
mo: SMACK SMACK SMACK
(DATS OPEN MOUTH KISSES)
sare: OH JEEZ!
TING TING TING
(DATS MAH FACE BLUSHIN)
mo: PLZ PUT LID DOWN ON TOLITE
sare: OH JEEZ WHY YOU NAGS-A-LOT
mo: IZ THAT YOUR UNDERWARES?
sare: HERE WE GO!
I GOING BOWLING
me: U NEVER LISTEN!
sare: I BE BACK LATE
me: THIS ISNT WRKIN
sare: I SORRY HERE FLOWER
OH NOES BUT FLOWER ALWAYS WEKRS
mo: JUST GO BOWLING - I GO TO MY MOTHERS
sare: THAT'S BE A REAL THINK TANK
YOU 2 R A PARE
I NOT MEAN IT
WHY LOCKS CHANGE?
mo: U NO Y!
sare: OH NOES THIS WILL COST ME A PRETTY PENNY
mo: THAT'S THE STORY OF, THAT'S THE GLORY OF LOVE
sare: WHAMP-WAAAAAH

improv, a journey with sarie & mo

2007-06-08T10:47:00.000-04:00

sare: why would you do that?
I'd even prefer setting up a father-son fishing trip by saying "A father-son fishing trip!" before starting the scene.
sare: this is the scene:
a father and son fishing scene
we sit here for a few minutes and I hint at being gay
by the way, I'm gay

mo: in this scene my partner nad i will taking on the challenges of being a father and son

sare: we talk 'round it and its funny
next scene!
DONE, in the bank

mo: while we're being challeneged. we will be using our poles as penis

sare: for comedic effect I will be falling down

mo: there might be a hint of accent, but if not, do not judge harshly

sare: we are in new hampshire!

mo: see the sun behind us?
that's cincinnati yellow

sare: also, I am wearing a pink scarf with my fishing clothing
to indicate that I am gay, as i said before

mo: did i mention i am gay and am only now revealing it through the fishing metaphore to my son

sare: also, we are a middle class family.
Protestants.

mo: a wasp except for the money

sare: We see a tree here, a bog with flies and the leavings of a barswallow on the edge of the boat

mo: there's a reflection of a naked man standing in heaven

sare: ok, now to begin our scene I will say my first line
"hi dad."
"this is the best fishing trip ever."

mo: i'm the son.
i'm red headed
I AM
"hi dad"
"this is the best fishing trip ever"

sare: Sorry, I am the dad.
"I'm glad you cuold be here."

mo: thank you for being gay for once

sare: ok

mo: "dad! even though you and mom are divorced, i still love you"

sare: "oh good, thank you. We love you too."
"And each other"

mo: wait

sare: what?
excuse us folks

mo: i thought we were trying to establish your gay

sare: yeah
i am playing against it for comedic effect

mo: i quit

sare: preparing for the big reveal
i can do the rest of the scene myself

mo: ok
i'm going to get a beer at trip
see you later, dude

sare: ok
i'll see you there

mo: by two people who paid for this show

sare: we'll get back the show in a second you guys
thanks for coming

keep the change (with special correspondent dan!)

2007-04-24T13:44:00.000-04:00

mo: someone is an idiot
Dan: Me?
mo: no! the system man
my boss is though
i'm doing her expenses - she left a .80 tip
come on. really?
you can't just throw down a dollar
Dan: You always leave at least a dollar
Can't go lower than a dollar
I don't like people who leave cents in general.
Round it up!
mo: that's just shit
Dan: Is the waitress a hobo?
She needs bills
mo: did she have an empty paper coffee cup in front of her as she came over?
Dan: Was she blind and playing the accordian?
mo: was she trying to sell you skittles?
Dan: Did she have a bindle and a toe sticking out of the hole in her shoe and a beat up top hat and was she with a very scruffy, skinny dog?
mo: did she have a i served in the vietnam war and all i have got for it was this empty pant leg tshit and was she on a skateboard?
Dan: Did she and three black dudes sing "Under the Boardwalk" in three part harmony?
mo: was she holding an infant with a lot of track marks on her arm saying she was cleaned up and wanted to get off the system with your help?

Dan: She did none of things? Then don't leave $3.11
It's fucking insulting man

retribution ain't just a river anywhere

2007-04-20T14:48:00.000-04:00

mo: and now i'm here!
get used to it

sare: YOURE QUEER

mo: thank you!

sare: HAVE A BEER
A BAGEL WITH SCHMEAR

mo: well, that's a lot of carbs but what the heck

sare: AND GET USED TO IT!

mo: sarah!
i have a grudge ! againts my bank
what do you mean?
well, i'll tell you!
that was my way of starting a game on the gtalk
it was very shoehorned
and i'll go work on another opening

sare: I WAS PLAYING 2

mo: oh i apologize, i didn't allow the game to continue
i'm rusty

sare: ITS OK
I LIKE TO RHYME ALL THE TIME
MY NAME IS SARAH WAK AND I AM HERE TO SAY I LIKE TO RYHME IN A RAPPING WAY

mo: i see the internal rhyme - you're just so hip, sarah!

sare: I SAID HIP A HOP A HIPPY TO THE HIPPY YOU DONT STO PTHE ROC
K

mo: i enjoy a good rhyme rap. i especially love it when old ladies do it.

sare: YOU SON OF
A
SAY THAT TO MAH FACE

mo: whoa, nelly! how did this get so heated?

sare: YOU CALLED ME A OLD LADY

mo: hey now! this internet, it's an unweldly mistress - i was in fact not calling you an old lady, but rather when one is old and raps and is a woman .... please! your sensitivity is ungracious

sare: YEAH
BUT
OK
BUT
OK
I LIVE 2 RAP

mo: as i can imagine

sare: IN A RYHMING WAY
WHAT ARE YOUR LVOES/LIVES/PAHINS?

mo: well, thank you for inquiring
i love kittens
my lives are full of laughter
my pains currently are in my thighs

sare: I MEANT PASHINS

mo: oh, yes - my passions are children. seeing their joy light up their wee bean faces and of course, steaks.

sare: OK SO YOU MAKE STEAK OUT OF CHILDREN THAT IS WRONG

mo: my stars! you do get the wrong ideas easily
i would hope you would know me by now

sare: OH YOUSAY SO

mo: oh dear!

sare: CANNIBULL

mo: miss! i beg you to stop ... my reputation
i can't have you run this smear campaign

sare: YOU EAT BABIES FOR DINNER

mo: you're absurd! absurd!

sare: METHINKS THE LADY DOTH PROTEST 2 MUCH

mo: you're the canibal. how do you like them apples - missy?

sare: I LIKE THEM FINE
I LOVE APPLES

mo: apples are sublime! and i've done as i wanted, i've distracted you.

sare: ONCE I KNOW YOU EAT BABIES ITS NOT LIKE I CAN UNKNOW IT
I MEAN LET'S BE RALS
REALS*

mo: of course, let's be real!
you're an old lady rapper!
ah ha!

sare: OH NOW HOLD ON A SECOND
I SAID HOLD ON
ARE YOU HOLDOING

mo: i've been holding this whole time!

sare: DO YOU LIKE THE ON HOLD TUNES

mo: do you not like the acusation on the other foot?

sare: I DID THEM MYSELF ON MY CASIO

mo: oh yes! thank you. i'm a huge fan of marvin gay.

sare: YOU'RE GAY!
WAIT
OK
IT'S OOK IF EITHER ONE OF US IS GAY
ITS JUST A GUT REACTION

mo: that's racism

sare: YOURE RACISM!

mo: i think we all are, dear

sare: I WISH THINGS WERE DIFFERENT!

mo: they can be - it's in you

sare: BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORDL!
I CAN DO THAT
I START BY NOT EATING BABIES

mo: you are doing that
you're chasing your tail

sare: I WISH THE WORLD TO CHASE ITS TAIL
AND I WILL LAUGH AND LAUGH

mo: you've got a mean streak
i love it

sare: OK NOW WE ARE FRIENDZ

mo: that's flattering

sare: OK NOW LET'S HAVE A BABYSTEAK AND CELEBRATE

mo: for the last time!
i do not eat the babysteak!
my passions are separate

sare: I THOUGHT I HAD YOU
BUT YOU BESTED ME
NOW WE ARE VERY GOOD FRIENDS
LET'S CELEBREATE

mo: will you please do your rap rhymes?

sare: OK BUT FIRST LET'S CHASE OUR TAILS TOGEHTER YOU START

mo: i'm so dizzy!

sare: HAHAHAHAHAHA

mo: wait a min!
oh you

today-beep means yes and eep means no.

2007-02-21T16:40:00.000-05:00

sare: i am sending broken camera back to mt olympus

Sent at 4:03 PM on Wednesday

mo: i think you did alreadys

you lie to mo?

sare: oh no

i never said

i talk about doing it

but now I really do it up

Sent at 4:06 PM on Wednesday

mo: YOU LIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I CAN'T GO ON

Sent at 4:09 PM on Wednesday

sare: OH SHEET
mo: I GHOST
sare: OH CRAP I AM SO SCARY
mo: I'M SCARY I GHOST

Sent at 4:13 PM on Wednesday

sare: I WAS SO EXCITED ABOUT FIXED CAMERA I MADE YOU DIE OF GRIEF
mo: YOU MADE ME DIE OF LIE

sare: THERE IS A LESSON HERE

(BECAUSE THAT RYHMES

mo: TO QUOTE A WONDERFUL SONG THAT WON A GRAMMY IT'S TOO LATE TO MAKE IT RIGHT
sare: ITS SO HARD TO SAY GOODBYE TO YESTERDAY
mo: yawn
sare: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B3qu2CGpD8c
mo: i'm not even dead

i lied

sare: OH SHIT

OH SHIT

mo: now you die
sare: OHSIT

PARDON MY FUCKING SWEARS!

OH MY STAR AND STRIPES

HOLY TESTICLES TUESDAY!

mo: see you in the afterlife
sare: NO BC YOU ARE NOT THERE YOU ARE ALIVE NAD A LIAR
mo: beep
sare: OH EEP

NOW

YOU MAKE

ME DIE FROM LIE

LIEPROSY

mo: ooooOOOOOOooooo
sare: I AM DYING OF LIEMPHOMA

LIECE

E-COL-LIE

A FLESH EATING LIERUS

mo: MISS YA WOULDN'T WANNA KISS YA

sare: BOO!

mo: eep

u's be deads?

sare: UM. BEEP.

mo: EEP

Sent at 4:21 PM on Wednesday

mo: GHOSTLY PEE MUST HAPPEN EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT DEAD
sare: OK

ME TOO

Sent at 4:27 PM on Wednesday

sare: OK I PEED

NOW YOU DIE

mo: WHOA
sare: OK!

HOW YOU WANT TO DIE?

LIEPROSY?

mo: HEY

WHO LIED FIRST LIAR A = YOU

sare: YOU CHOOSE!

EH!

TURN THE OTHER CHEEK

mo: ouch!
sare: OK. NOW YOU SEE MY POINT?
mo: yeah

i'm sort of embarrassed

sare: YOU AND ME BOTH SISTER!
mo: you and me both

sare and mo connect

2006-12-20T15:15:00.000-05:00

mo: dear penpal!
it's the holidays. i like raindeer. oh, no. shelly, my kid sister, spilt the glitter. hope you have fun today.

mo: dear penpal,
i heard about kansas and that big blizzard. that was nutz. we didn't have school yesterday because of a water break or something. how would water break.

sare: dear penpal do you like music? my cat walks on his back legs I like tacos.

mo: dear penpal sometimes shelly cries in the middle of the night. do you think that asternots really went to the moon? gummy bears make the best snack.

sare: dear penpal, i wrot a report on the solar system and also what is your favorite gum?

mo: dear penpal, i really like making snow angels but i hate it when my brother pees in the face like eyes

sare: dear penpal i have two moms i have a riddle what kind of fruit is a seafood someone is at the door i have to go.

mo: dear penpal, the only princess i really like is jazmine. ha! did you see that its going to rain a lot.

sare: dear penpal i got rollerskates the answer is crabapple.

mo: DEAR PENPAL!
i am soooooooo mad. there weren't any more bratz at walmart. stupid. anyway shelly got one yesterday. my mom says that angels cry everytime i whine.

sare: dear penpal today we learned about not getting pregnant they turne doff the lights and showed a film i like when we watch movies at school becasue sometimes the lights are tiring to my eyes

mo: dear penpal, kevin my neighbor got abduckted. the cops dont always wear uniforms. i really love mr. heat meiser

sare: dear penpal sorry i didnt write for so long i got grounded from writing because i melted crayons on the radiator.

mo: dear penpal knock knock jokes are so funy

sare: dear penpal this week in school we gave each other nick names my one is "slocone" because I love snow cones and I prefer to walk slowly

mo: dear penpal my mom says that just because my dad talks loud doesn't mean he doeznt love me and shelly and karl. i really love fluffy fir

sare & mo discover truth universal

2006-12-07T11:50:00.000-05:00

mo: babies on the horizon
is creepy
they're a little army of babies crawing
crawing
crawing

sare: oh
ok. i dont understand but i accept it

mo: it's definitely a visual
of HORROR

sare: it's a figure of speech

mo: yeah
it just caught me off guard
wacky!

sare: you're a figure of speech!

mo: i'm a piece of work

sare: you're a piece of chicken!

mo: i'm a ticket to ride

sare: you're a rockethsip to the moon!

mo: i'm the mona fucking lisa

sare: you're the louve museum!
THATS RIGHT I SAID LOUVE

mo: i'm A NINJA TARZAN

sare: you're amusee bouche!

mo: ding ding ding ding
winnah

sare: I AM TEH WINNAR

mo: FOR A LIFE TIME

sare: OH GYAD YOU MAKE ME CRY THE TEARS OF TRIUMPH

sare and mo join an improv troupe

2006-11-17T15:59:00.000-05:00

sare: it's just one guy
i bet
with glassy eyes and a plastered-on smile
mo: and crumbs from his daily piece of coffee cake
all over his seersucker suit
sare: and part of the improv training for his theater involves a "special diet"
mo: (orange rinds dipped in olive oil)
sare: and multiple viewings "once Upon a Mattress"
mo: because carol burnett was never respected enough
sare: "This is the soul of improv, keep watching until you get it."
mo: yahoo's are FORBODDEN
but yodeling is encouraged
sare: no contact through email, the group communicates through frequent, hand-written letters.
mo: please don the nightly eyegear - glasses with crazy eyes - while you sleep and listen to the mp3 i made with all of phil hartman's recorded messages
sare: yes, and for god's sake wear the jesster's hat to bed
mo: it's not comedy until you cry
sare: yes!
sare: comedy is tragedy plus time, so we will have week long intensive therapy session where you'll be sharing your innermost feelings of pain, loss and betrayal. Box lunch to be served.
mo: cell phones are prohibited
in fact, start weening yourself off of them
in general, dont' talk to anyone but me
and maybe your fellow improviser
sare: put your watches in this box
you'll get them back when you're ready
mo: ha ha ha ha! when the time is right ! get it my good men?
because we only allow men here
except for carol burnett movies
sare: women are not funny, but let's lure some here for occasional rehearsals.
only bring women you want to bone, and women we can bone. tell them they can perform.
it'll keep their spirits up!
mo: shampooing can be a bit of the drain of both your time and money - discontinue it immediately
and if you feel that showering is also hindering - stop it asap.
nothing says comedy like stinking
mo: never stop to literally smell the flowers (at deli's)
just don't - it's not funny
sare: I will be giving you a handout of things that are and are not funny, so please memorize it, ok? don't just look it over. I don't want to have to stop you mid-scene. (you can carry the handout during scenes for REHEARSALS ONLY)
mo: speaking of rehearsals, a lot of you have been asking if we're allowed breaks
the answer is no
did God take a break when creating the world?
so make sure you go to the bathroom before the 5 hour
rehearsal thanks
sare: he did, actually. on Sunday. AFTER HE WAS DONE.
I'm looking around, and I don’t see anyone who's done rehearsing.
A strong bladder is the soul of improv.
mo: is that a cell phone
sare: promotion is also the soul of
improv, so go door to door if you have to.
mo: always be clowning

sare & mo come to blows over what, no one knows

2006-10-16T16:55:00.000-04:00

mo: so you go and yuck it up
* its not yuck
whats that word?
yup it up?

sare: yuck it up is what I heard

mo: well, do it
go

sare: DONE

mo: FINE

sare: I YUCK IT UP FULL TIME

mo: YOU'RE LIKE A GAS TANK

sare: YOU GOTTA HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR TO WORK WITH THESE TURKEYS

mo: BUT YOU WILL SOON LET THAT ENERGY SORCE GO

sare: I WIL LLET IT FLY LIKE A BIRD
BU TNOT A FLIGTHLESS BIRD
LIKE THESE TURKEY
s
BUNCHA MEATBALLS, ALL OF EM

mo: EAT THE POOPS

sare: YOU ARE

mo: I COULD

sare: YOU SHOULD!

mo: PUT COLOR IN YOUR PEE

sare: EVERYTHING IS ART!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mo: I BET YOU WOULD TURN DOWN CUSTARD

sare: NEVER
NEVER

mo: ITS TOO LATE I TOLD THE WAITER TO RETURN IT TO THE ORPHANAGE

sare: OMG IT WAS ORPHAN GRADE
EF THAT
I'D STILL EAT IT

mo: ITS BEEN EFFED

sare: I BET IN AN ORPHANAGGE INSTEAD OF SPOONS THEY UISE DOUGHNUTS FOR THE SPOONS
AND IT IS DELICIOUS

mo: ... wait
really?
I NEED TO NOT BE WITH PARENTS

sare: DONT SAY THAT
THERE ARE OMRE IM PORTNA THINGS TO DO
YOU CAN USE DOUGHNUTS FOR SPOONS YOU ARE A GROWNUP
BUT NOT FOPR SOUP

mo: NOT FOR CHIX SOUPS DEF
BUT MAYBE FOR A REALLY SWEET PUMPKIN SOUP
THINK ABOUT IT
ALSO THERE ARE MORE IMPORTANT THINGS THAT A LOT OF THINGS
YOU SHOULD THINK ABOUT THAT
TOO

sare: I CAN'T THINK ABOU TANYTHING MORE IMPORTANT THEAN DOUGHPOONS

mo: I CAN ...
CHUBBY HUBBY ICE CREAM AND DONUTSZ

sare: I JUST CAME.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
EEEEEEEEEEEE
WWWWW

mo: YOU BETTER GO CLEAN YOURSELVES

sare: ERASE

mo: I'M GONNA GO EAT ICE CREAMS

sare: DELETE
DELTE
DETELTE
DELETE!

what you're missing

2006-10-04T15:25:00.000-04:00

Mo and I have been superbusy, but not super-productive in this area. We still keep in close contact, but we're been murdering very privately. Here is a small sample of the kind of correspondence you're missing:

sarah: this salad
is so gross
i panicked

mo: the salad made you panic?

sarah: i got feta
because she didnt have the other cheese
and green olives?
but the same dressing

mo: oh i know that feeling

sarah: gross
still eating it!
I like each item individually

mo: but together - yeah

sarah: the baconbitz are so good though
put bacon bits in anything and I'll eat it

mo: amen!

sarah:mewmewmew
mewemwmeowmeow
sniffsniff

mo: meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooow
licks

sarah: facekisssskiss
puuuururrrrrrrr
sleep.

sarie and mo like to simile smile

2006-09-21T13:13:00.000-04:00

sarie: hm
my fave kind
oh man
the mailman has so much aftershave on
i still smell it!
mo: eep!
sarie: he left!

mo: thank goodness
sarie: i still smell it after he's gone!
like a cornchip in a storm
mo: a fritto in a hurricane
sarie: like grape jelly on a spelling test
mo: like micky mantle in a bar
sarie: like ballet shoes on a robot
mo: like jerry from facts of life working as a waitress at coyote ugly
sarie: like post-its for breakfast
mo: like kittens for president
sarie: like eating leaves and calling it "salad"
mo: like fifle marrying dumbo
sarie: like this carrot muffin I once had from a deli that had a lot of real carrot shavings in it, but they weren't properly stirred in, so I got this big mouthful of carrot, which wasn't entirely unpleasant
mo: like this new place going up on the corner of 49th & 7th called hawaiian tropic zone helping chubby girls feel good about themselves as they walk by in the morning with their 2 pts breakfast (yogurt) and their 4 pt lunch (hummus & carrots & pita) knowing that the girls that work in their prolly eat less then that and thinking why not eat a muffin in the morning and have a fucking slice of pizza for lunch - but then thinking you know what? i can be a little thinner and knowing that it doesn't matter either way because i'm fine. i mean the chubby girl is fine
sarie: like a pinecone in a microwave
wait
which yogurts are 2pts?
is there aspartame ?
mo: light & lively
yes
sarie: oh
yeah, no thanks.
mo: dannon
i believe in dying young
sarie: like a puppy stuck in a vending machine
mo: like Parisian in a cowboy hat

Sent at 12:55 PM on Thursday

sarie: it was a lot of aftershave.

sarie & mo dissect american icons

2006-09-19T11:06:00.000-04:00

mo: in the mail came a thing from my friend banana republic
banana republic sent its new scents
i love the girl one
and i have it on

sare: does it smell like bannanas

mo: surprisingly no!
it smells like what i imagine rich kids smell like when they decide that they can take a shower without being ironic

sare & mo diversify

2006-09-07T11:13:00.000-04:00

mo: DER MAJIK 8 BALL,
WHY IS AGENT NOT PICK PHONE TO CALL ME TO MAKE ME HAVE MONIES?

sare: THE ANSZER IS CERTIN

mo: THAT NO HELPS
IT IS CERTIN THEY R TRAPED NEATH ROCK N CANT PICK UP PHEN?

sare: ASK AGAIN LATERS

mo: I WAITS 2 WEAKS HOW MANY LATERZ I WAITZ

sare: THE ANZER IS CERTIN

mo: THE ANZER COUD B E=MC2 AND THA STILL MAK AS MHUC SENXE AS THAT

sare: OUTLOOK SO GOOD
OUTLUK SO GOOD YOU CAN'T BELIEVE YOUR EYES

time passes

mo: MY EYZ HAVE FOUND NO GOOD CURRENTLY
I'M GOING TO OUIJI BOARD

sare: OKZ

mo: NO OFFENZ

sare: NUH THAT'S OKZ
I GOT TO WEEGIE SOMETIMES
WE BROKE UP SO IT IS AWK

mo: HOW DOD U COMMUNIC8

sare: I SAT ON THE BOARD AND SLID AROUND
WE DIDNT TALK MUCH
JUST HAD PREDICTY THE FUTURE SEX

mo: OH SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP

sare: BUT WEEGIE WAS ALL FULL OF DEMONS
I MEAN, I DONT WANT TO COLOR YOUR VIEW
BUT YEAH
DEMAONS

mo: THAT WOULD CONFUZ THE RELATIONSHIP SOME

sare: AND I COULD ONLY TALK INA FEW PHRASES

mo: MAYBES SOMTIMX YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE TALKING TO REAL OUIJ BUT NOT BE HIM

sare: SO IT WASNT MEANT TO BE

mo: INSTEAD BE DEAMONS

sare: IT'S TOUGH!
SPLIT PERSONALITY LOL

mo: I COULD SES THAT - LOTS LIKE SYBIL

sare: BUT IT'S FUINE
JUST NOT RIGHT FOR EACHOTHER

mo: WHO DAT WHO SAY WHO DAT
THAT BE LIKE IT WUZ

sare: "THAT BE LIKE IT WUZ"
WHOA R EYOU>

mo: WHORE R U? MORE LIKE WHORES R US

sare: YOU GOP TALK TO YOUR WEEGA BORED AND i'LL BE HERE

mo: KS
OUJI SAY CANNOT PREDICK NOW

sare: YOU DONT HAVE TO INSULT ME

mo: WHO DAT WHO SAY WHO DAT

sare: NOW YOU INSULT MY INTELLIGNECE
YOU BRAT

mo: CURIOSITY KILLD THE KAT, SO DONT WONDER

sare: ARE YOU THIRSTY DO YOU WANT SOME BLUE WATER?
CANT HAVE SOME

mo: RUDES

sare: I MEANT CAN

mo: * HUGS *
YOU ROUND

sare and mo get sainted or maybe pope'd

2006-09-05T15:53:00.000-04:00

mo:
i SAINT THEE SARAH MARY RYAN NOWAK
IN THE NAME OF CARROTS AND FRUITJUICE
sare: OH SHIT THAT IS GREAT BUT I AM TOO TOO HUMBLE TO ACCEPT
HAVE I EVER MENTIONED MY CHARITY WORK
mo: IF CARROTS & FRUITJUICE HAVE DEEMED IT SO IT IS DOTH DEEMED
sare: NO! BC i AM TOO HUMBLE!!!
mo: SORRYS
IT BE TOO LATE
LOOK AT THE PLAQUE BEHIND YOUR HEADS
sare: OH WHAT IS THAT DOING THERE i AM SO EMBARRASSED LET ME SHINE IT
mo: THE REAL TRUE HOLLYWOOD STORY WOULD LIKE TO NOW FILM YOUR LIFES
sare: OH NO THIS IS TOO MUCH LET ME COMB MY HAIR
IT IS SO EXHAUSTING BEING SO HUMBLE AND SAINTLY I NEED A SIP OF REFERSHING MOUNTAIN DEW BLUE OCEAN BLAST
mo: YOU HAVE A *SPONSOR*?
WE AT THE NETWORK WEREN'T INFORMED
sare: (I HAVE TAKEN ON A FEW SPONSORS WHO HELP ME IN MY FIGHT AGAINST HUNGER)
mo: (ARE YOU STILL HUNGRY?)
(YOU NEED TO GET BETTER SPONSORS THEN)
sare: HUNGER ALL OVER THE WORLD, AND IN MY CUBE! THANKS SPECIAL K BARS

sare and mo celebrit-itemize

2006-08-31T15:43:00.000-04:00

mo: why we wish people would stop picking on that guy who was a kid in the 6th sense by us
i'll go first
1) you guys picked on that home alone kid and then! he married too young
2) at least he's not going naked and raped in movies like the adorable Dakota

sare: oh shiver
3) you totally liked that movie

mo: 4) he's been so quiet and not all druggy really
- dui's NEVER count at least that's what my dad says

sare: 5) duis kind of count though

mo: 6) yeah. my dad is after all a drunk
(pop, if you're reading - totes no offense)

sare: 7)was he famous when he was a kid?

mo: 8) no but he was a drunk!
(again no offense pop)

sare: 9) sorry, i walked away. the coffee machine broke so now I have to prepare myself to hear grown men cry

mo: 10) that's worse than ANYTHING young'un haley joel has done to anyone ... i mean after the debalacle of pay it forward, he's been such a good boy ... except of course for the dui which i agree in retrospect isn't a good idea

sare: 11) i need to tell you, as much as I think this is a great topic, i've sort of started to stop caring about celebrities. not that you should start stopping

mo: 12) fair enough

sare: 13) please go on
14) I'm just like
15) i can't get it up for movie peoples like i usta could
16) are we in a fight?

mo: 17) i don't think so
18) the only celebrity that i'll ever fight over / for is of course russel crowe
19) because i love a bad boy

sare: 20) he's ok

mo: 21) i don't want to fight!

sare: 22) oh of course not!

mo: 23) then ok! we're agreed! one thing i know for certain, we both love steak

sare: 24) we both love kittens and puppins

mo: 25) and the sixth sense

sare: 26)Oh! and To Kill a Mockingbird

mo: 27) each other

sare: 28)oh totally

mo: 29) seriously
30) did you go away?

sare: 31) no, i was considering how ghey for you I was willing to go
32)cat link
33)so yeah

mo: 34) its boo! but why they gotta be making the words for the animals ... I may be alone on this but its wrong

sare: oh
35) I have no sound

mo: 36) i didn't think you did in fact i KNOW it because sometimes when i send you stuff you say i can't hear it and i say its ok its better with just visual ... you know i'm not sure i said that

sare: 37) I tend to think "oh, I will look whne I get home" and hten I get home and I check myspace and then take a nap and maybe have some mashed potatoes.

mo: 38) i don't answer my phone at home when i'm home because i hate phones because of being a secretary
39) this was relating to you but it might have felt like it came out of nowhere

sare: 40) i had a roomate who was a dishwasher and she never did her damn ass dishes
41) how many are we going up to?

mo: 42) someone here from the work place who is also a secretary said that she's tired of being too intelligent for the job ...
43) i guess 50?

sare: 44) oh.
45) ok
46) did i derail the conversation? I'm sorry.

mo: 47) i just wanted to say, do you have a blog or celebrity thing because this job takes tons of intelligence
48) no, i'm like a race car driver ... in some metaphorical way that will never be understood by man

sare: 49)I guess that's ok then.
50) 50

sare & mo r learnin' the facts of life

2006-08-29T12:43:00.000-04:00

sare: would I make a good lesbian?

mo: no

sare: aw.
I know

mo: ha

sare: i just hate men so much

mo: yeah
i know kitten

sare: it doesn't make me like women anymore though
eh
worht a shot!
I was a lezbean for about 45 seconds

mo: they like you though!
and isn't that what its all about?
being able to REJECT?

sare: truetrue
reject lesbians?
lesbians love me

mo: just rejection in general!
get with the program!

sare: who have I ever rejected?

mo: GET WITH THE PROGRAM!
jeez sarie!

sare: YOU GET WITH THE PROGRAM

mo: i AMS!
i rejected plenty of stuffs

sare: YOU GET WITH IT

mo: for example?
I REJECT MOST BEANS!

sare: I LOVE BEANS

mo: GET WITH THE PROGRAM

sare: YOU GET WITH IT!

mo: I AMS

sare: I REJECT NOTHIGN
NOTIHGN 2 REJECTATHON

mo: SO MUCH TO REJECTATHON
I START WITH BEANS AND I MOVE TO HIP HUGGING JEANS

sare: I HAVE NOTHING TO REJECT
I FEELS BAD
2 REJECT THINGS

mo: YOU BORING
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
THAT ME SLEEPING

sare: jeremy piven is kind of tasty

mo: sweet bitch yes

sare: too bad I HATE ALL MEN

mo: HOWEVER REJECT HIM BECAUSE HE A LOHAN LOVAH
IE 40 YEAR OLD MAN SEARCHING FOR LOST TOYS INSIDE OF 21 YEAR OLD
oh. noes. that was nasties

sare: yeah, yer freaking me out
also, i don't thnk i have much of a chance with him

mo: YOU BORING
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
THAT ME TAKIN NAP TWOS

sare: I REJECT YOU DAM ASS SLEEP
YOU GO BED EARLY

mo: HAZAAAAAAH!
YOU REJECT SOMETHINGS

sare: yes
!

mo: i think we're all bigger peoples

sare: also, 118 dollar sweaters. i fI spent 118 dollars on a sweater I'd have to get married in tit
tit
tit
tit

mo: I would never reject your tits

sare: of course I AM NEVER GETTING MARRIED
SO NO SWEATER!

mo: WHAN WHAAAAAAAA

sare: NOW HOW DO YOU FEEL, THE GAP?

mo: that's supposed to be sound of oh brother
SARIE

sare: I REJECT!

mo: YOU R GONNA FIND UNSTUPID MANS
UNTIL THEN
REJECT !
!
!

sare: don't really want to
ha
that would be smart
sounds like me!
I reject your reality and substitute my own.

sare and guest get prank'd

2006-08-18T15:18:00.000-04:00

sare: DEARMACGIKC 8 BAL
WHY IS GHOST ALWAYS ON VH1 IT IS NOT A MOVIE THAT ROCKS
Sent at 2:32 PM on Friday
sare: FINE I GO ASK SOEM STRANGER WHO WILL MUG ME BYE
Sent at 2:34 PM on Friday
Chris: DFONT DO IT SARAH!!!! THE ANSWER IS BECAUSE THE SONG ABOTU THE CHAIN MELODY WAS A HUGE HIT!
Sent at 2:38 PM on Friday
sare: BUT DOES IT ROCK I VENTURE TO ANSWER IS NO
Sent at 2:41 PM on Friday
sare: WELL THIS HASE BEEN GOOD FOR IUS I THINK WE ARE MAKEING HEADWAY
Chris: NOW I HAVE THAT SONG ABOUT THE CHAIN GANG STUCK IN MY HEAD!
UHH!
AHH!
UHH!
AHH!
sare: YOU ARE A CHAINCHAINCHAIN OF FOOLZ
Chris: THAT'S THE SOUND OF THE MAN
THEY WORKING ON THE CHAIN
ON THAT GAY-EE-YAY-YANG!
THAT'S THE SOUND OF THE MAN
THEY WORKING ON THE CHAI-YEE-YEE GANG!
sare: YOU ARE CHAINS MADE OF PAPR THAT YOU RIP AT DECEMBER TIME
ALTERNATING RED AND GREAAN, YOU ARE
Sent at 2:46 PM on Friday
Chris: No, Sarah. I am not.
OMG! ILEFT MY COMPUTER LOGGED ON AND A PRANKSTER WALKED BY AND THIS IS WHAT HE OR POSSIBLEY SHE WROT? BOOOOOORING!!!!
sare: YU R A CHAIN RESTAURANT
Sent at 2:53 PM on Friday
sare: THE PEOPEL YOU WORK WITH ARE BORRRING PRANKSTERS
"OH LOOK MY PANTS ARE BAGGGY" CHRIS KWAKO HAS LOOGED OFF.
Chris: RITE?
sare: SRSLY
MY FEET ITCH AND MIGHT STINK.
OH NOES!
I WALKED AWAY FROM MY COMPUTER AND SOMEONE TYPED IN THE BBOX
Sent at 2:56 PM on Friday
Chris: HAH!! HOW MUCH WAS REALLY YOU?!?!!?
DID YOU REALLY GO ASK A STRANGE WHO MUGT YOU AND THEN CAME BACK AND EVERTHING SINCE THEN WAS HIM OR POSSIBLY SHIM?
sare: OH KWAKIE I JUST CAME BACK FROM BEING MUGGED SO! WHAT'S THE CONVERSATION?
Sent at 2:59 PM on Friday
Chris: SAME OLD SAME OLD!
sare: OK SO I GOT THE ANWSWER AND THE ANSWER IS VH1 IS A BIG SWAYZE FAN
VH1 IS GHEYZE
Sent at 3:02 PM on Friday
sare: AND TYHEN I GOT MUGGED BUT I DIDNT HAVE MY PURSE WITH ME SO NOW THE MUGGER HAS MY WORK KEYS
Chris: IS THIS RAILY SRAH!?!?
sare: YES IT IS
THE MUGGER IS GONE
Chris: WHEEWWWWS!
sare: HE GOT A COFFEE AND I GAVE HIM DIRECTIONS
Chris: AND THEN ALL YOUR FRIENDS AND CCREW LEAPED OUT AND YELLED 'MUG'D!""!"!!
sare: THERE WAS A CAKE WITH GUMMI WORMS ON IT
AND I WAS LKIE "SNAKES ON APLANE HILARIOUS" SARCASM
Chris: MUG'D!!!!
sare: DID YOU GET A CAKE WHEN YOU WERE ON MUGD?
DID THEY USE SOME STUPID MOVIE THEME ON THE CAKE?
WAS IT A GHOST CAKE?
Sent at 3:09 PM on Friday
Chris: AN UNCHAINED CAKEDY!!!!
BOOM!
CALLBACK CITY!!!

sare and mo talk to a celebrity

2006-08-16T15:25:00.000-04:00

mo: EEP!
OH
i maybe?
will punch paltrow in the throat:
For Paltrow, parenting is "a total joy" — and a major time commitment.

"I do not know how single mothers have more than one child with no help," she tells the magazine. "It requires so much of my life, and I don't have to change sheets and clean toilets, you know."

sare: DEar Gwyneth
You're probably doing it wrong.

mo: Dear Gwyneth,
Remember that time you were really famous and dating Brad?
And you were just adored, etc?
Well, you had a child named Apple and I think for many, this was the straw ...
for me? It was you winning an oscar over Kate Blanchet, which I will give you was not your fault
the dress, however, was
Now, please don't come back to the limelight
love,
Mo

sare: Now that parenting is taking up all your non-housecleaning time and time and brainspace I'm glad you've decided to get back to acting in movies.
2-3 years raising kids is plenty.

mo: your mother so outclasses you

sare and mo would like you to lean in close so they can show you something.

2006-08-02T15:30:00.000-04:00

sare: HERE IS A LETTER
I WILL DICTATE IT TO YOU
DEAR DUMB GUY,
THE COPY MACHINE
IT BROKE, OK?
YOU HAVE THAT THING YOU NEED A LOT OF COPIES OF, SO YOU TAKE IT TO ANOTHER FLOOR
aND IF THE DOOR IS LOCKED
LISTEN CAREFULLY RING THE DAM ASS BELL
mo: GOT IT
READING BACK
sare: ALSO, GUY?
ARE YOU PHOTOCOPYING A MAP ON GRAPH PAPER?
mo: DEAR IDIOT,
GO AWAY AND FIGURED OUT YOUR PROBLEMS SOMEWHERE ELSE.
sare: DO YOU NEED THAT FOR WORK, OR YOUR D&D ADVENTURE TEAM?
ALSO, EVERY EYE THAT GETS ROLLED AT ME
GETS STABBED
mo: PS - YOU ARE NOT JUST IDIOT BUT POTENTIAL BIG TIME NERDZ SO DON'T COME NEAR ME WITH YOUR HOSTILITY
sare: THAT IS RULE #15 IN THE GREAT BOOK
"A ROLLED EYE GETS STABBED"
YES
NERD HOSTILITY IS THE WERST
THEY ARE SO SWEATY AND PASSIVE
AND i AM SO STABBY!
mo: BECAUSE THEMS MAYBES THE SMARTER ONES BUT THEY DONT HAVE THE LOVE BECAUSE THEY ARE TOO MUCH INVOLVED IN HATING BECAUSE THEY MAYBES ARE TAKING MORE OF AN INTEREST IN SMARTS THAN PERSONAL HI!GENES. ITS OK TO DO THAT JUST DON'T GET THE MADS AT USES
sare: YES YOU MAKE A CLEAR POINT
THE POINT I MAKE IS THIS:
STAB
mo: YOUR WAY IS MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE
STAB STAB
sare: I LIKE TO CUT THROUGHT THE CRAPS
mo: WE START AGENCY?
sare: MORE WORK FOR US
I SAY
STAB
mo: JUST THE STABBING
OK
I TELL YOU WHAT
I'LL INC. US AND YOU DO STABBING PARTS
I LIKE THE MONEY FOR THE STABBINGS
sare: OH MAN
mo: AND I LIKE HAVING AN OFFICE KS?
sare: I ALSO DO PUNCHING
SEE ME FOR GREAT RATES ON FARTING ON HEADS
I WILL GIVE YOU THE FINGER. FIRST FINGER IS FREEEEEE!
mo: I GOT US A TAX ID
sare: I PUNCHED IT AND GAVE IT THE FINGER!
mo: SARIE?
WE NEEDS IT
sare: ITS'S STILL GOOD
mo: HERE'S HOPINGS IRS DON'T FUCK US UP THE ASS
ALSO PLEASE TELL ME THAT WE'RE NOT OFFERING THAT
sare: I'M SHINING MY PUNCHING HAND
OH!
NO MO
WE ONLY F THE FERS
mo: I'M FULLY AWARE OF THE PRINCIPALS OF CUT THE CRAP! JEEPERS ... BUT I DON'T WANT TO BE A PART OF THE COMPANY IF WE'RE GONNA FUCK THE FUCKERS UP THE ASS
sare: PUNCH
FINGER (MIDDLE F-U ONE)
STAB
STRANGLE *SPECIAL GOLD CLIENTS ONLY
mo: I'M BACK IN!
sare: SOME BITEY
I SOMETIMES WANT TO BITE FACES
I CAN DO THAT ON MY OWN TIME
mo: OK! MAKE SURE YOU WEAR ONE OF THOSE DENTAL DAMS
sare: BUREAUCRACY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I PUNCH IT TO DEATH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mo: * cleans up bureaucracy *
* apologizes *
SARIE!
WE'RE RUNNING A BUSINESS!
I CAN'T CLEANS UP EVERYTHINGS
JUST THE MAN UNDER BEAURACRACY CAN WE DESTROY
sare: HOW I ROLL YO
*WALKS AWAY
mo: * unsets up shop *
* cries *
mo: I'M GONNA SELL LEMONAIDE

LONG PAUSE

sare: Sorry
I had to go punch the fax machine
mo: no worries

sare & mo are very lazy

2006-07-31T17:10:00.000-04:00

mo: fantasy!
i have a sail boat
are you enjoying sailing with me on my sail boat, sarah?

sare: i have such big sunglasses on

mo: they keep out the st tropez glare!

sare: they are so huge
also huge? my false eyelashes.

mo: this bottle of Dom Perignon 1932 went so fast!
Gaston, would you be a dear and get the good stuff?

sare: wherever did you find him!
cut from stone and just as thick!

mo: i don't mean to brag
but Ronald had him made in our lab!

sare: well, he's just my type! I wouldn't throw him out of bed for crackers!

mo: the crackers he eats make wrinkles disapear!

sare: he is a golden god

mo: well, crystal! you could have him or have ronald come up with someone with exactly your qualifications

sare: I'm taking him

mo: good good!
he needs nothing to be happy

sare & mo uncrinkle the celluloid

2006-07-13T12:55:00.000-04:00

sare: i was thinking
we should start pitching movie ideas

mo: yay!

sare: I got this one that is a tender tale of a boy who learns the value of family from an unexpected source, the rabbit who lives in his shed.

mo: where's the killing?

sare: in the shed, pn the back lawn, and at the walmart

mo: OH SWEET YES

sare: and one part when the killing happens on a wire suspended in between two helicopters
it's all depends on the budget

mo: i got one
there are two secretaries
DURING THE DAY
but at night they dance

sare: dance how/where?

mo: that's the thing
its their supah hero power
their dancing!
kills the evil and makes the weak strong
BUT THE KILLING!
oh the KILLING

sare: fantastic

mo: i clearly have nothing

sare: well, i have this other one
where this divorcee moves into an old house with a family, who has begun taking in boarders
and the family has a lot to learn abou tlife and the divorcee has a lot to learn abou tlove
and then everyone dies in a horrific bloodbath

mo: by a bunny?
the bunny is a killer?
please?

sare: not in this movie

mo: but
bunnies hate too!
and the world needs to know that

sare: it's either the divirces or the 16 yearold girl, who does it with her curling iron. gruesome

mo: eeepppppp

sare: also there is this comedy
about a frat boy who has to go to cooking school in paris to get his inheritance
and finds love . . . and himself.

mo: his pee pee?

sare: his artistic soul

mo: his pee pee!

sare: in a petit four

mo: sorry! in his TINY pee pee

sare: it was tucked inside some chocolate filled crepes

mo: the littest pee pee

sare: with a scoop of hazelnut ice cream

mo: oh! the coldest littest pee pee

sare: if pee pee = his maturity
then yes
he doesn't go back to america to get his inheritance
is my point

mo: you = not open to pee pees

sare: because if you accept your deeper artistic self, you don't need money. millions of dollars. nope.
just some pasteries
and a big ol peener

mo: * big breath *
AND YOUR PEE PEE

sare: i prefer peener
it's more grown-up

mo: i'll take whatever comes my way
i'm = not mature

sare and mo find the winner of the conversation

2006-07-12T16:43:00.000-04:00

mo: i would doubt it
but thats me in my corner
over here
under the spotlight!
see me?
sare: i doubt it as well
peek!
mo: i'm waving the flag of italy because yay them with their fancy feet
sare: ok!
sounds great!
mo: can't you see?
I'M SITTING HERE WAVING
sare: i am not italian
mo: SO?
that mean you can't see me?
sare: no
my eyeballs
are irish
and polish
mo: OH BROTHER
RACIST
sare: you are
mo: NO! I SAID YOU SO YOU
sare: you are a brother racialist
mo: I'M SO UNUSUAL NOT RADICAL
sare: YOU ARE RADICAL LIKE A MOVEMENT IN THE 60S
mo: I'M PRACTICAL LIKE A MOM
sare: YOU ARE MOMENTARY
mo: I'M NOT A NUN
sare: YOU ARE A MUM
LIKE THE FLOWERLOL
mo: I'M NOT SILENT! I'M DEADLY
sare: SNAKE!
http://home.comcast.net/~dfosket/snakes_800x600.jpg
mo: I'M NOT A CLEANER OF TOLIETS, I'M AU DEU TOILET
sare: http://www.degrassi.ca/dl/YEARBOOK/Snake-joey.JPG
sare: YOU'RE AU-STRALIAN
mo: I'M NOT NICOLE KIDMAN ... I'M UM, AU-RIGHT
sare: TAKE THREE RIGHTS AND IT'S A LEFT
mo: sometimes, i cry - OK?
sare: NO
NOT OK
mo: * huddles in tiny ball *
sare: I SAID NOT OK1
http://www.herpnet.net/Iowa-Herpetology/images/snakes/eastern_milksnake.jpg
mo: * becomes one with the carpet *
I ARISE AS A CO-BRA
oh brother
* becomes ball of lint *
sare: http://www.minitots.com/i/res/RD12230_165_197.jpg
mo: HEY THERE, SARE? I GOTTA SNAKE 4 US
DAM! I MEAN FOR YOUS
BUT I SPELLT IT ALL COOLS
DAM IT
I MEANT KOOLS
* glad hands hanky *
sare: NOTHANKS SUCKA I DON'T SMOKE BC DOPE IS 4 DOPES
mo: * sobs *
Sarie, I'm just trying to get you to see me
sare: oh!
now i see it
mo: but look i'm cute in the corner wearing an italian flag
sare: oh noes
that's so crezzy i am like wow
sare: flags are for waving and for buying and for raising and for making into a vest
and for to make into lapel pins
not for wearing
mo: what about making into a vest?
YOU MAKE SHIT UP BACKWARDS
sare: OH SNAP I HAVE BEEN BESTEST
BESTED
BUSTED
mo: VESTED
sare: WINNAR!~

sare & mo prepare for a very special kill

2006-07-05T13:50:00.000-04:00

mo: so
we should totally tell our mass fans (what?) about our show tonight

sare: ok
the masses
because we have shows on thurdays

mo: and at the same time? i should totally tell my salad maker how not to put so much dam ass salad dressing on my salda

sare: but like

mo: WE DO!

sare: tonight's kinda special

mo: like the kind of special that you could see on blossom
a VERY SPECIAL ash wednesday
special

sare: right
like "learning abou t condoms and drunk driving" special

mo: like "learning not to drown my dam ass salad with salad dressing kind of special"

sare: we do a show at the ash wednesdays
7 pm

mo: yay!

sare: at the magnet
and then i go do another show somewhere else at 8

mo: which is located convieniently on 29th street between 7/8 and then your show which is also on 29th Street, but is called the Pit - which is located between 6/7

sare: are you guys going out after?

mo: we are ... 'cause of Stanny!'s upcoming birthday

sare: to the triple?

mo: and our um, upcoming in the next year or so nuptual

sare: crown?

mo: def

sare: ok
cool
i like when everyone i know is in one room

mo: it keeps my phone quiet

sare: right?

mo: you know because of the mass popularity :)

sare: also, i can diversify my filrting

mo: not have to do it with your fingers

sare: eh?
i don't flirt with my fingers?

mo: text messaging?

sare: oh

mo: it made sense in my BRAIN!

sare: yeah
ok

mo: WHERE ALL THE CANDY IS KEPT

sare: no
yewah
yes
no
weeee!
its easier than phone sex
less intimate! yay!

mo: YAY!

sarah and mo have mixed feelings about Glen Frey (we meant don henley and also don't actually care, JEFF)

2006-06-23T13:17:00.000-04:00

sare:I think my feet might be stinky
mo: ut ohs!
did you walk through some dirty laundry?
sare: everyday
its called my bedroom floor
OH SNAPS
mo: get 'em when they're up, get 'em when they're down
sare: NO
no get stuck in heads
mo: hee haw
mo: get 'em when they're up, get 'em when they're down
sare: STOP IT
mo: DIRTY LAUNDRY
sare: I hayte that guy
mo: HE HATES YOU AND HAS BLOCKED YOUR EMAILS
SO STOP EMAILING HIM
ITS GOING TO THE NOWHERES
sare: HE NEEDS TO WRITE BACK
MAYBE HE JUST USY
BUSY
mo: HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW YOU WRITE ANYMORE
YOU'S BLOCKED
sare: YOU DONT KNOW THAT
mo: I KNOW BECAUSE HE AND I STILL HAVE THE OCCASIONAL HOW YOU DOING EMAIL
BECAUSE WELL
I THINK YOU KNOW WHY
sare: [BLOCKED]
[SOPRRY YOU ARE BLOCKED]
mo: sarie ... i know i ain't blocked because when you are blocked you can't see it
boom
sare: [I CANT HERE YOU]
mo: OH BROTHER - I 'HERE' YOU
BECAUSE I SEE YOU TYPING
sare: [I SAID R U READY TO ROCK?]
mo: HERE!
HERE I AM!
RIGHT HERE!
sare: [ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE]
[THAT HAS TOTALLY BEEN BLOCKED]
mo: OBVIOUSLY NOT BLOCKED BECAUSE YOU TOTALLY KNOWS WHAT I SAID AT YOUS ON THE GTALK
sare: [OH YOU WISH YOU WERENT' BLOKED ITS OK]
[I NUNDERSTAND]
mo: YOU AREN'T MAKING ME CRY BY THE WAY
sare: [OK]
mo: AH HA!
IN YOUR FACES!
sare: [IN MY FACES WHAT]
[YOU SO BLOCKED IT SAD]
mo: YOU ARE SO CRAZY IN YOUR PRETTY BRUNETTED HEAD ITS HUMOROUS
sare: [OK]
mo: OK WHAT NOT EVEN SENSICAL
sare: [YOU SAY NICE THINGS I THINKG ABOU TUINBLOCKING YOU]
mo: YOURE EASY LIKE SUNDAY MORNING
sarie: [IS THAT A COMPLIMENT OF WHAT?]
[OR WHAT?]
mo: YOURE CLEARLY READING IT
YOU FIGURES IT OUT YOU ARE THE SMARTEST GIRLS IN KNOW
sare: [MORE COMPLIMENTIES I LIKE THEM
]
mo: UM
YOUR HAIR SMELLS THE PRETTY
sare: [YOU BEING SARCASTIC]
[DOUBLE BLOCKED]
mo: HOW IS THAT SARCASTIC?
I SMELLED YOUR DAM ASS HAIR LAST NIGHT
AND UM
IT WAS NICE
AND YOU ARE UM
sare: [OK]
mo: A JACKIMO NOW
sare: [I UNBLOCK YOU]
mo: NOPE! COMPLEMENTS CUT OFF
NO
DON'T BOTHER
sare: BUT I UNBLOCK YOU
mo: sigh
sare: YOU ARE FREE TO MOVE ABOU TTHE FRIENDSHIP CABIN
YOU ARE WELOCME TO CROSS THE BORDER
mo: AM I STEPPING ON DIRTY LAUNDRY
sare: YOU CAN CLIMB THE BERLIN WALL AND GET YOUR PICTURE WITH THAT DRUNK, HASSELHOFF

sare: totally stuck in my head now. nice
mo: yes!
sare: >spoon in brain<

mo puts her ass on the line for a calculator

2006-06-19T14:59:00.000-04:00

mo: Get this ... I'm trying to order a calculator online through office max
the calculator is EIGHT DOLLARS
the company has a policy about calculators and it is that i have to get a form filled out with [name redacted]'s SIGNATURE
EIGHT DOLLARS
i just bought $40 worth of CDs on Friday
sare: ohmyjeeziz

[SMALLTALK CENSORED]

mo:so re: calculator
i said this is fucking stupid - i'll have him go to duane reade and get it
and they just called off the dogs and ordered it
weird
sare: hhmmm
this calculator seems pretty important
mo: ha
sare: so important that they're willing to go over [name redacted]'s head
mo: then, she called and said it was being ordered
sare: WHAT ARE THEY NOT TELLING YOU?
mo: ITS FULL OF AL QUADIA!
THAT'S RIGHT AL QUADIA!
THE ITALIAN BOMB PEOPLES
sare: THE CALCULATOR IS FULL OF TERRORISM AND KILLING
mo: IT WILL SET OFF FIRE ALARMS !
ANOTHER CALL IN!
THEY ARE HOPING THEY HAVE IT IN STOCK ...
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN
sare: look for answers

BUT WATCH YOUR BACK

mo: proceed with caution
THEY CALLED AGAIN! MY DEPARTMENT CODE IS NOT IN THE SYSTEM
sare: MICHELE, GET OUT OF THERE!!!!!!!!!
mo: POOF

sare & mo have brush with fame

2006-06-13T17:00:00.000-04:00

michele: so yeah
thats my story
someone hung up on me!
on my cell phone!

sare: dix

michele: i think i was very close to being famous today

sare: !

michele: how would we have spent the monies?

sare: i'd have asked if you could buy me one of those really big packs of cinnamon gum the kind you get at sam's club

michele: i would have purchased said gum as well as slurpies

sare: like the kind you put on a SHELF at a STORE
and i could eat the whle thing over the course of a few weeks

michele: shit sarie! i'm famous - you can eat it in one settiing - i'd totesgetyoumore

sare: an embarrasment of riches

michele: but i'd try not to embarrass you

sare: well, you'd be rich and I'd still be me
so it would be sticky if we were still friends

michele: nah - you'd be famous too

sare: maybe we should say our goodbyes

michele: NAH

sare: its been a good run

michele: THATS STUPID!
PUNCH YOUR HEAD!

sare: whuh?
huh?
you'll still be my bff
even if i'm po

michele: THEY PROLLY ONLY HAD MY NUMBER BUT WERE CALLING ABOUT KILL SECRETARY KILL & OUR BIG ASS SHOWS ON THURSDAYS @ 11

sare: oh snap

michele: YOU KNOW? THE ONE AT THE PIT! @ 11?

sare: i feel so used

michele: ON THURSDAYS
i tried! i tried to plug you!

sare: dirty
dirty
dirty

michele: you gonna be the new manager at the pit?
sare: do you know naybody who needs a job as a house manager?

sare: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WE ARE THE SAME PERSON

sare & mo have a business plan

2006-06-13T11:42:00.000-04:00

sare: i'm just writing on the internet a lot

mo: thats fun!
i love doing that
but then i saw that i'm almost the biggest freak on the board and realized that i should be killed
MURDERED
with a knife!
in my throat

sare: oh no

mo: (too far? not far enough says i)
MURDERED SARAH!
AND IT WOULD BE UP TO YOU TO FIND OUT WHO
OR ELSE I WOULD HAUNT YOU

sare: i'd want you to haunt me

mo: i'd have to
because i'd a) miss you
b) be afraid in which direction I'd be going
and c) MY KILLER WOULD STILL BE LOOSE

sare: yeah
so you could like, warn me
and also, you could come over whenever

mo: i could eat whatever i wanted

sare: like, who needs the n train, amirite?

mo: totesrite

sare: and, i just added sports night on my netflix

mo: fuck YES

sare: so you can come over and watch it

mo: i am gonna go get murdered to make this happen

sare: i would love it if you went through my house and threw stuff around so my landlord would totes give me a discount

mo: and applied make-up on your face when you sleep so you'd wake up and just leave

sare: oh neat
i never even thought of that feature

mo: because in the AFTERLIFE, i'd be really good with beauty application

sare: that would be a power
along with invisibility

mo: AND! i would totesfart in sticky situations that do not involve you

sare: i can think of some in which that would be really funny and beneficial to me socially
ghost
farts

mo: sarie!
did you do a call back ...
OR A GHOST?

sare: i didnt do a ghost

mo: right.
totesfart

sare: that will be the name of the german luggage company i am going to start

mo: totesfarten

sare: yes!
the name alone

mo: i will be your spokeswoman as soon as i am murdered

sare: cool
thank you

mo: i'm really looking forward to being murdered

sare: this is going to be great for us

mo: i'm going to have so much ice cream & beer

sare: totesfarten

sare and mo want you to stop m.f.ing calling and hanging up

2006-06-12T16:57:00.000-04:00

me: 4 HANGUPS IN A ROW
GAAAAARGH
mo: someone wants to hear your sex voice
me: i punch
mo: i'll hold them
me: thanks!
its my own fault for using my sex voice
mo: ITS SO HOT
and its me
oops
i'll go punch
me: oh
doctor punch thyself
mo: in my UTTEROUS!
yes!
UTTEROUS
H
a

sare and mo take an imagination break

2006-06-08T09:38:00.000-04:00

mo: what shall we do?
fly away in our crazy super jet
sare: first I’m going to eat this prescription piece of candy
sweet sweet medicine
then pretend this chair is a rollercoaster
mo: I’m on a cloud!
sare: oh great!
is that where you want to be?
or are you scared of falling?
mo: always wanna be on a beach
sare: DONT LOOK DOWN
mo: but I think I’d like to float too
sare: clouds don’t have nadles
handles i meant!
mo: they do too! they're made out of blankies
sare: i am worried about you up there
AND THIS ROLLERCOASTER IS REALLY FAST!
mo: THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN
sare: I'M TRYING BUT THIS KID NEXT TO ME IS GONNA PUKE
mo: I'M GETTING TOO HIGH THE AIR IS TOO THIN
sare: LET'S PICK NEW PLACES!
QUICK!!!!
mo: I'm in bed in my palace in Italy
sare: *sigh
i miss you
mo: COME GET IN BED WITH ME
sare: oh my god
this is not that kind of website!
NEXT
mo: COME ON!
JUST FOR THE PUDDING
sare: NEXT
Ok
just for a minutes.
zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
italy though?
i dont know.
mo: not for you?
sare: italy
mo: think of the boys
they're pretty their
sare: I guess it's great
mo: I MEAN THERE
THERE
THERE
sare: 100% playas! not my style
oh
mo: they've got pretty brown eyes
sare: i just made a racist statement
see?
mo: i said they all have brown eyes!
sare: this is what happens when i get into bed with you
mo: i pet your hair though
see
sare: i become a racialist
mo: its nice and soft like A CLOUD
sare: ok
oh
ok
i get the could thing now
cloud
mo: i thought you said, i could get the thing now and that turned it really naughty in my mind!
sare: you know what I don't get?
mo: strapons?
BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I WAS THINKING
sare: is that we aren't totally stoned right now
mo: * looks at brownie
Sare: Sweet sweet medicine

Sare & Mo Have a Show*

2006-06-02T11:43:00.000-04:00

mo: i just wrote a long, angry email to my coworker. Telling him we should break off the affair, but then I deleted it!

sare: No you didn't! You sent it!

mo: Oh, did I! OK, I’ll just go back and delete now then.

sare: you just sent it to your ENTIRE CONTACTS LIST! Man, Mo! You’re a fucking idiot.

----------------------------

sare: I forgot to pick up my boss’s dry cleaning!

mo: Boy, he’s gonna be STEAMED.

sare: I know. He gets really mad, and I can’t afford to lose my job right now

mo: but, do you get it? “Steamed”.

sare: I know! He just yells and yells and he reminds me of my father and I could never make him happy, it’s like “oh I got this interview at this awesome place, “ and he’s like “what are you going to do answer the phones?” and it’s LIKE I CAN DO OTHER THINGS DAD.

mo: OK – Its OK … Um. Next up ...

----------------------------

sare: Mo, Can you believe that Jeremiah played a joke on us and set us up with 4 dates tonight instead of 2?

mo: Um, Sarie, the real joke here is us having dates.

----------------------------

* Thursdays in June (June 8, 15, 22nd (no 29th - we're gonna be at PIF that day), we're hosting a new show @ The Peoples Improv Theater for people to come and form teams and make the improv fun. It's at 11:00 PM and brother, its a blast. We should have told you yesterday but we were working out the quirks and the stuffs and now, we're ready for you!

Mo tries for an apology but finds a guest poster instead.

2006-05-30T14:49:00.000-04:00

mo: Hello, Ryan! I am writing to you today to again apologize to you for not coming - I have so much potato salad left over to show my good intentions that turned bad because of the shoot thing that I had to do on Sunday instead of Saturday.
Love,
Michele

Ryan: Dear Michele,
Your presence was greatly missed. We have sworn to redo the party for those that missed the event the first time. However, it may or may not be at our pad. Anyone willing to offer up their internet wired home and an amp with microphone can also have some karaoke goodness.
Love,
Ryan

mo: Dear Ryan,
I will bring the best potato salad that I have ever made in my life to the next place. I, unfortunately, don't know of internet wired home folks. On second thought, I probably do actually know those people ... makes me wonder now about everyone I know. Are they unclean like that? Eeew. I may not have an internet wired home, but I am going to be having a party with Stanny! in July and hope you can attend.
Love,
Mo

Ryan: Dear Michelle,
Keep on truckin.
Love,
Ryan

mo: Dear Ryan,
Who is this Michelle?
Love,
Michele

Ryan: Dear Meeshell,
Plan B is in effect. Neutralize the target.
Love,
Ryan

mo: Dear Ryan,
Meeshell is on the move. I, Voltare, am here to use my septergun to her symbolatic pore. There is one last action item before the distruction. Hope you're well.
V

Ryan: Dear V,
Please refrain from signing your memos V. That movie has cost our IT department days of work.
Ryan

mo: Dear Ryan,
* evil chuckle inserted here *
Good!
KISSES!
v

Ryan: Dear V,
LOL. keep up the good evil ork.
yes. ork
Ryan

mo: FOOL!
I TOLD YOU NEVER TO REFER TO ORK ON A MEMO!
YOU'VE RUINED THIS SCREEN!

Ryan: | > erase subroutine boot < |

mo: I'M MELTING

Ryan: | > file V deleted <|
Dear person with no identity,
You're fired.
Ryan

mo: Ryan,
I quit!

Ryan: Stranger,
The address you are trying to reach has moved with no forwarding address.
USPS

mo: USPS, OH, well, I soon shall take over somwhere else! as soon as my identity is re-revealed to me. A nobody with nowhere to be. I love soup.
x

Ryan: < dial tone >

sare and mo celebrate someone noticing the new mail folders

2006-05-30T13:03:00.000-04:00

sare: someone noticed the new mail folders!
*eye sparkle
mo: did you smile sweetly?
sare: to myself!
then i died
then I came back to life!
then i ate brains
bc i dont know feelings
mo: my mind glitters very soon
sare: about what!
mo: feelings being important
sare: oh shit, i eat them!
mo: yes!
sare: delicious
now you dead too!
mo: yes!
ooh! feelings ... whoa, whoa, whao feelings taste good

sare: i wish everyone was an actor
SO THEY WOULD SPEAK THE FUCK UP
mo: OR SO YOU COULD EAT ALL THEIR EMOTIONS
sare: I CAN NOT HEAR YOU
NOW YOU DEAD TOO
LIKE THAT
mo: EMOTICONS IN YOUR MOUTH
sare:
I EAT IT

:o)
TAKE THAT CLOWNY FACE
YOU INSIDE MY BELLY NOW
mo: TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE DOWN AND GET IN MY BELLY!
sare: @-'-----
ACK!
WHY YOU SO THORNY
SO BEAUTIFUL
SO THORNY!
mo: < < <( ) ( )> > > >
i ate you bra!
sare: (.Y.)
AND TH4E BOOBIES
yeah, i'll spell "the" with a 4
watch me!
mo: I SAY EAT IT!
EAT THAT SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH AND DONT WORRY ABOUT CALORIES
sare: i'm starting to get a little full
how to zombies do it?
mo: squirm
I don't know!
sare: you know what they do?
mo: * evil laugh
sare: they make a hole
mo: I OF COURSE KNOW
sare: and just pull some stuff out
mo: I'VE BEEN ZOMBIE SINCE 1929
sare: and make room
OOOOOH SHIT!!!!
no way
mo: I DIDN'T EAT YOU BECAUSE I LOVE YOU
BUT NOW YOU KNOW
I EAT YOU
sare: i love you too
lets make zombie babies
mo: yay!
so sweet when they dribbles the blood.

sare: ok
now i'm grossed out
mo: haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
did i do that?
i grossed you out?
sare: yeah, and scene
mo: me!
i did?
yes!
* truly i'm excited!
sare: >shiver<

sare and mo get back to their roots

2006-05-26T14:12:00.000-04:00

sare: ARGH
mo: work?
sare: hate work
uch
jerx
this is what i want
1
make out with a super cot guy
hot that should say
on a couch
while it rains outside
with the windows open
then we have sex
THAT IS WHAT I WANT
NOT TO ANSWER PHONES
NOT TO HAVE PEOPLE BE SHITTY TO ME
NOT TO FUCKING CLEAN A GODDAMN KITCHEN NINETY TIMES
PUNCH
KILLKILL
KILL
LISA IS NOT FUCKING HERE!!!!!!
mo: LISA TOOK THE DAM ASS DAY OFF BECAUSE SHE IS RICH
AND IS THEREFORE ALLOWED MORE RICHES LIKE DAYS OFF
sare: FUCK YEAH!
TAKE YOUR TUDE AND MEMORIALIZE IT YOU STUPID FUCK
I WOULD SETTLE
FOR
A
GOODDDAMN
HUG!
mo: HUGH GRANT
(I DON'T 'DO' HUGS )
BUT I DO HUGH GRANT!
OOH!
YES I DO
sare: GA
ROSS
mo: COMEON YOU WANNA!
sare: MAYBE IN 4 WEDDIGS
BUT NOTHING ELSE
mo: oh
OK!
I GOT IT
HUGH JACKMAN
sare: NO
mo: oh
HUGH LAURIE
sare: EW!
I WROTE "HUG" NOT GODDAMNED HUGH!
mo: I DON'T DO HUGS ONLY MEN NAMED HUGHS
sare: I DONT WANT A HUG FOR YOU!
mo: NOW ! I QUIT FRIENDSHIP WITH SARAN!
oh
sare: I WENT TO HIGH SCUOOL WIOTH A GIRL NAMED SARAN
AND WE QUIT FRIENDSHIP AFTER GRADUATION
mo: THEN I QUIT HER
sare: SO TOO LATE
mo: BECAUSE I ALMOST MADE A BED I DIDNT' WANT TO SLEEP IN
sare: I ALREADY HIT THAT!
2
TO SLEEP
mo: I GOT IT!
sare: IN A BED
WITH A LOVELY MAN
CUDDLY LIKE
mo: HUGHEY LEWIS SANS THE NEWS
sare: V
M
T
MAYBE WHEN I WAS TEN BUT THAT SHIT IS ILLEGAL
mo: OK!
THE NEPHEW OF DONALD DUCK!
sare: OH NOW YOU'RE JUST BEING SILLY
mo: I'M ALL OUT OF HUGHS I'M SO LOST WITHOUT THEM
sare: STOP TALKING ABOUT THINGS i DONT WANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111111
mo: I WILL NOW LEAVE [REDACTED] WHERE I WORK AND FIND YOU A HUG! SANS H
sare: OH SHIT YOU ARE GONE???
*CRIES*
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
mo: HA!
I FOUND A GUY TO HUG!
HE'S A SALOR AND HIS NAME IS COINICIDENTLY HUGH
sare: HUGH RYHMES WITH EW
SAILOR=GAY
Sent at 2:01 PM on Friday
sare: GO ALREADY
JUST GO!
I DON'T NEED YOU
i DON'T NEED ANYBODY!
mo: MICHELE RHYMES WITH DEFEAT
*SOB
SARAH DOESNT NEED ANYONE BECAUSE I COULDNT HELP HER
sare: I AM UNHELPABLE
mo: NO YOU'RE ASKING HTE WRONG PERSON
I'M UNHELP TO HELPFUL
HELP
MEOW?
sare: ME
OW
sare: YOU HELPED BY LISTENING YOU ARE A TRUE FRIEND
mo: SOLIOQUE: MY SARAH NEEDS THE LOVE THAT I CAN NOT GRANT HER AND SO I MUST AWAY TO THE MIDDLE EARTH AND SEEK OUT NOT A HUGH BUT A MAN WITH A HUG SENSIBILITY! A MAN WITH A CUDDLE INSTINCT! MAYHAP IF HE SHOULD ALSO POSSES A MUSICAL KNOWLEDGE THAT WOULD BENEFIT MY MISTRESS ... ALAS, MY JOUNEY MUST BEGIN ... I BEQUEATH TO ALL A SENSE OF JOY WHICH I COULD NEVER GIVE TO YOU
sare: oh man!

mo gets jury duty

2006-05-19T14:08:00.000-04:00

sare: are you almost done?
oh!
congrats!
mo: nope
we won't hear until at least 2:15
hows solitare doing?
sare: i won
so then i quit

MY JOB!
mo: woo!
haaaaaaaaa
sare: TAKING IT ON THE ROAD MUTHERTRUCKERS
mo: did you check out my AMAZING pictures ?
that's right!
sare: YES
I LIKE YOUR FACE
mo: i'll be with you taking picutres
i'll be your documenturian!
hee
sare: I AM TOO PWERFUL WITH MY CARD PALYING SKILLS
I KILL WITH CARDS
mo: and i photolog it
sare: I WHIP THEM AT SOMEONE AND HIT YOUR JUGULAR
SORRY! I GOTTA KILL
IT'S IN MY BLOOD
mo: * snap * * snap *
sare: OHSHIT EVIDNCE
mo: that's me with my CAMERA FONE
sare: OH SNAP!
mo: they don't know WHOS did it
just WHOS deads
sare: UNTRACEABLEITY!
mo: no one will know who publishes on www.kittensandhatred.textamerica.com
sare: IT IS SECRECY AND LIES AND MAYBE WE DOCTORED THE PHOTOS
mo: OH! DEFS
sare: WHEN YOU GET CLOSE TO HE ANSWER . . . .
mo: oh, no they are on to us
sare: JACK OF CLUBS TO YOUR FACES~!
mo: i will expire in two min!
sare: AW CRAP
S
mo: you go forth AND KILL!
its in your bloods
don't worry about me
i won't tell them about you
just do your destiny!
sare: DESTINY NO GO TO JAIL
sare: DESTINY EATS A SDANDWWISH IN THE PARK
MAYBE DESTINY BECOMES A NOTARY
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT
JACK OF SPAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADES
IN THE NECK
you've not there anymore, are you?
EXPIRED

sare and mo sing a song

2006-05-17T14:01:00.000-04:00

sare: and when the nightwind starts to sing a lonesome
lullaby
it helps
to think
we're sleeping
undernteath the
same
big
skyyyyyyyyyyyyy
mo: i'm crying
look
you've made me cry
sare: that's all i wanted michele
mo: WELL YOU BITCH!
sare: that and a fucking pizza
mo: i cried pizza slices but then i ATE IT TO SPITE YOU
sare: i don't really want to eat pizza, i just kind of want to sit in a big pile of it
and just kind of be there
so cry some more and put the slices in a like
a big casket
and i can be a pizza vampire
late night snacks, i dont have to go far!
no tripping in the dark!
mo: * ahem
* adjusts glasses
um, um, technically, you won't BE in the dark
oh, wait
i mean
um
ok here's what i mean
you'll be out during the night = dark
and during the day AS A VAMPIRE you'd be asleep
duh
sare: oh yeah!
so not tripping
to worry about
BUT FRYING TO DEATH UNDER THE RAYS OF THE SUN
mo: you'll have to pick another kind of vampire to be
sare: shit no, son
fucking pizza, the thin crust kind
or chicken souvlaki
they make a nice tzatziki at zorba's.
hiss!

sare and mo sign off after a long day of hate

2006-05-10T09:08:00.000-04:00

sare: oh yes
neat
im not going to schweds
ok
i go home now
talk to you tomorrow
gl w you r proj
lovelovelove
mo: i am not either!
i love you
i have A SHOW TOMORROW YOU IGNORER
break legs tonight
much love
sare: I KNOW YOU DO
GOOD GD LUCK WITH IT
mo: YOU HATE ME
ITS TOMORROW JACKIMO
sare: I KNOW YOU HAD A DAM ASS SHOW
I KNOW!
mo: YEAH - BUT YOU SAID YOU WERE NOT GOING TO DAM ASS ASH
sare: JEEESZUS LUWEEZUS
I KNOW
mo: * HUFF
sare: I WAS JUST GD TELLING YOU
OH HERE WE GO AGAIN
mo: YOU TELL ME STUFF THAT DOESN'T RELATE TO ME
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT
sare: GO LOOK IN A MIRROR YOU SHOW DOER
mo: YOU GO DO A SHOW AND THEN LOOK IN THE MIRROR
OH! BOTHER
sare: YOU LOOK IN A MIRROR AND ASK WHOS FAREIST
mo: THE DAM ASS ANSWER IS WHEN YOU LOOK IN THE DAM ASS MIRROR, RACIST
sare: RACIST!
YOU ARE!
YOU'RE THE RACIST
mo: DAM ASS NOT RIGHT YOU ARE
sare: !
mo: * DOUBLE HUFF
I CALL YOU ESKIMO BECAUSE YOU MAKE ME SO COLD
sare: SURPISE SURPISE YOU ARE HUFFING AGAIN
KEEP HUFFING AND THERE WILL BE NO O2 FOR THE REST OF US!!!!
mo: I'M A DAM ASS WOLF!
I AIN'T NO PIG!
sare: can we make up? i really gotta leave
mo: ok! yeah me too
sare: ok
mo: i heartsdale you
sare: talk to you tomorrow!
mo: i'm moving to heartsdale
sare: hearts for eyes!
mo: ok!
mwah
sare: lovelovebyby
mo: be
good
bye

sare and mo are famous

2006-05-08T16:24:00.000-04:00

mo: i say, i say!
britney is pregnant again!
old news you say

sare: right?

mo: may be!
but i feel like discussing it with you

sare: that dude is so greasy

mo: she has gone straight to white trash
like nobodys business

sare: i know
i feel for her though
because she knows she cant sing
and she just wants to hang out and be in a dysfunctional relationship
and drink red bull and and cry like a normal girl
and SHE CANT

mo: she's not allowed
and frankly, i'd take it

sare: BECAUSE THE PLOPPPERAZO'S ALLOVER MY AYUSS ALL DAM DAY

mo: i would

sare: me too dude

mo: I MAYBE CRY ABOUT IT
ONCE IN AWHILE
BUT THEN
I'D GO
OH
YEAH!

sare: i'm gonna cry anyway

mo: I'M A LITTLE ASS STAR

sare: might as well be DAM ASS RICJH

mo: i will work it out with SOME NEW CLOTHES

sare: i will HAVE THE ABILITY TO BUY GROCERIES AND HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE too see me through the dark times

mo: YEAH!
i will put monies in my ing account
and watch it grow!

sare: and people take my pictures and i go MutherfuckinCHEESEbitch

mo: THANKS FOR MAKING MY MOVIE NUMBER ONE
now please stop stepping on my big ass humvee so i can go to malibu

sare: MY LIFE IS TOUGH!

mo: I HAVE GOT TO GET MY HAIRS COMBED!

sare: I CAN MAKE IT THOUGH WITH THE LOVE MY MY SPUERMODEL REALESTATE BROKER BOYFRIEND
I HAVE TO GET MY TOOESES INKED!

mo: OH! MY BOOBIES ARE A LITTLE SAGGY
PLEASE, MAURICE, MY SECRETARY / COUNCELOR CALL UP DR. FILLMEUP

sare: people love me so much i can barely stand it WOE IS MUTHERLOVEINME!

mo: * gets a call from entertainment weekly
* finds out they want me on cover
* huffs because I JUST HAD A BABY!
* loses 15 lbs in 24 hrs
SITS HALF NAKED ON THE COVER OF EW

sare and mo make a descision and accidentally get married

2006-05-03T13:52:00.000-04:00

mo: then that's our pact!
lets cut our faces and rub the blood together later
sare: ok
but instead of blood can we use something else?
mo: PUDDING!
sare: yes
mo: and HOT HOT HOT MARSHMELLOWS
sare:and instead of rubbing eachother faces
can we just eat with a spoon
?
mo: ONLY IF ITS A SPORK
sare: to you I make this solemn vow.
mo: i do!
now, we're married!
sare: delicious.

mo took two days off

2006-05-02T13:36:00.000-04:00

Sare: YOU COULD EMAIL OR SOMETHING YOU KNOW.
AT LEAST.

>cries<

>checks email<

>cries more<

>rocks in seat<

>pulls at hair<

>takes multivitamin<

>looks for text message<

>remembers mo doesn't text<

>cries harder<

>texts with brother instead<

>stomps with anger<

>looks at old picture of us together<

>misses the olden days<

>like little house on the prarie times<

>checks email<

>cries!<

>snacks<

sare and mo take on google results

2006-04-26T16:29:00.001-04:00

sare: when i google myself
i am not even on the first page
it's all swimmers and some dietitian
i want to write SARAH N*WAK
all over everything
so MY stuff comes up
sare: sarahn*wak
is almost ALL ME
so i got that going for me
mo: you've got your health
and your name connected
and great hair
and shiny smile
but that's IT
sare: nothing else
NO FAME
NO GLORY!
what if someone is looking for me
they are going to think I am someone else
mo: crap
we need to start a petition
sare: write SARAH N*WAK everywhere
SARAH N*WAK IS IN NEW YORK CITAY!
mo: SARAH N0WAK DOES NOT EAT BABIES
sare: SARAH N0WAK WILL LISTEN TO YOUR STORIES ABOUT YOUR EX BOYFRIEND
SARAH N0WAK IS AVAILABLE TO COACH YOUR IMPROV TEAM
mo: SARAH N0WAK HAS THE KINDEST EYES YOUVE EVER SEEN
sare: SARAH N0WAK DOESNT MIND IF WE GET A TABLE OR SIT AT THE BAR
mo: SARAH N0WAK HAS A CAMERA AND SHE REALLY DOES KNOW HOW TO USE IT
sare: SARAH N0WAK WILL RETURN YOUR EMAILS PROMPTLY
mo: SARAH N0WAK DOES KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE
sare: SARAH N0WAK MAKES A PRETTY NICE GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH
mo: SARAH N0WAK HAS BEEN TO EUROPE THANK YOU VERY MUCH
sare: SARAH N0WAK THINKS GOING TO THE BATTING CAGES IS PERFECTLY ACCEPTIBLE FOR A THIRD OR FOURTH DATE, AS LONG AS YOU BOTH AGREE AND ARE DRESSED FOR THE OCCASION
mo: SARAH N0WAK WOULD NEVER READ YOUR PERSONAL DIARY
BUT SHE'D TOTALLY READ YOUR BLOG
sare: SARAH N0WAK IS AN AMAZING FRENCH KISSER AND DECENT SPELLER
mo: SARAH N0WAK LOVES TO HAVE MASHED POTATOES WITH JACK CHEESE
sare: that should be good enough.
I am a child.

sare and mo call each other grasshopper

2006-04-25T13:13:00.000-04:00

mo: HE DIES
DEAD
sare: JUST KIDDING I DO NOT CARE
NO!
I WAS JUTS KIDDIGN WHEN I SAID I WAS JUST KIDDING
ALL MEN DIE
NO
NOT ALL MEN DIE
mo: BOO STAYS ALIVE
sare: SOME MEN STAY ALIVE TO SERVE US FOOD AND DRINK IN RESTAURANTS
mo: BUT THATS 'CAUSE HE AINT A MAN
YES!
WAIT ON US
sare: AND PAY FOR IT
WE CAN AFFORD TO PAY FOR IT
BUT THEY DO IT FOR US
mo: OH! TRULY
sare: IN GRATITUDE OF LETTING THEM STAY ALIVE
mo: THEY DONT DESERVE US TO SHARE
THEY ARE VERY LUCKY WE LET THEM LIVE
sare: THEY DO THINGS FOR US
BUT IT IS MOSTLY JUST WOOMEN
AND WE CAN DO WHATEVER WE WANT AND NOBODY MAKES FUN
WE DONT ALL LOVE SHOES
ITS OK TO CRY ALOT!
ARE YOU STILL THERE
mo: ITS OK TO TALK ABOUT THE KITTENS
ALL THE TIMES
sare: I WILL DOMINATE THE WORLD ALL ALONE
OH GOOD
mo: HEY!
sare: I THOUGHT YOU HAD TAKEN UP WITH A MAN!
mo: AND WE ALSO CAN LOOK AT BABY FACES AND SQUEAL
AND MAYBE WE JUST NEED SOME MORE WINE
AND WE DO DESERVE IT
sare: YESTERDAY BRIAN AND I WORKED OUT A PLAN TO TAKE OVER THE WORLD USING PSEUDO-LESBIANS AND MAKING OUT
mo: YOU AND HE MAKE OUT?
sare: WAIT A SECOND
BRIAN IS A MAN'S NAME
SONOVABITCH
I'VE BEEN TRICKED
mo: SARE! YOU ARE NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY
sare: I AM TAKING IT SERIOUSER THAN YOU ARE
mo: YOU ARE HAVING THE MAKE'EMOUTS WITH A BOYS
sare: NO I AM NOT!!!!!!!!!
THE LESBIANS MAKE OUT
I DO NOT
WITH ANYONE
mo: YOU HAVEN'T LEARNED ANYTHING
sare: EVER
EVER
EVER
mo: YOU COULD LEARN
BUT YOU WON'T
sare: YOU COULD LEARN!
WHAT IS TO LEARN?
mo: LEARN TO LEAVE 'EM
* SIGH
sare: LEAVE WHAT?
LESBIANS?
TEMPORARY LESBIANS?
mo: GOOD ONE GRASSHOPER
sare: SHUT UP
YOURE A GRASSHOPPER
mo: WAIT!
THAT'S SO RUDE
sare: PUT A SOCK IN IT GRASSHOPPER
mo: OUCH
sare: I SORRY
mo: YOU !
sare: WILL YOU STILL TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE WITH ME?
mo: IF NOTHING BETTER COMES UP
sare: SWEET

sare & mo use this word in a sentance

2006-04-24T17:02:00.000-04:00

sare: it's about being eligible to be a pope
papabile

mo: ha

sare: popeable

mo: popecycle
the cycle of pope

sare: popescile
delicious, pious
gravy flavored

mo: pope-er-aide

sare: pope-ems donut holes

mo: poped potatoes

sare: the new pope is so dope!

mo: Power to the Pople

sare: pope-e-mon, GOTTA CATHC EM ALL!

mo: Pope-to-Men A-B-C

sare and mo predict the gdam future already

2006-04-21T13:55:00.001-04:00

sare: DEAR MGICK EIGHT BALL
WHYEVERYONE SOSOCRAZYY
?
mo: my source says no
sare: DEAR MARGIC EIGHTBALL
WHYY EVERYONE SO CRAZY ALL THE TIME
?
mo: without a doubt
sare: DEAR MARGIC EIGHT BALL
DO YU AVE CRUSHES ON EM?
ME?
mo: Reply hazy, try again
sare: YOU ARE MEANS!
mo: it is certain
sare: YOU GOT BUBBNLES IN YOUR BREAINS
mo: my sources say no
sare: OOOOOH! MAGIC EIGHTBALL YO UMAKE ME SO FRUSTRWATED IT IS CRAZY
OH WAIT
DISREGARD MY FIRST QUESTIN
WANT A SNAKC EIGHTBAL
mo: cannot predict now
sare: WELL YOU CAN T HAVE ONE YOU ARE A PLASCITC BALL AND YOU HAVE TO MAINTIN YOU RFIGURE!!!111!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mo: it is decidedly so
sare: SEEI AM RIGHT WHY I ASK YIOU ANYTHING
mo: yes definitely
sare: YOU DO HAVE A CRUSAH I KNEW YOU WOULD SLIPP UP
mo: don't count on it
sare: NOW YO UCHANGE YOUR MIND
YOU SO FIKLE
mo: without a doubt
sare: TELL ME ABOUT IT LOLOLOLOLOLOL
mo: better not tell you now
sare: OK I PU YOU AWAY HOW YOU LIKE THAT
mo: as i see it yes
sare: YOU GONNA MISS ME BC YOU HAVE A HUSGE CRUSH
mo: it is certain
sare: YOU LOVE ME I GET IT YOU DONT HAVE TO BE A BROEKN RECORD ABOU TITI
mo: my sources says no
sare: CUPBOARDED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mo: my sources says no
sare: SHUT U P IN THERE BALL!
mo: most likely

sare and mo predict the gdam future already

2006-04-21T13:55:00.000-04:00

sare & mo find out who will save their soul

2006-04-20T14:57:00.000-04:00

mo: do you know who is a bastard?
i'm going to tell you and you can disagree
but it's my bosscakes

sare: oh no

mo: oh no you aren't going to disagree?

sare: why would i deisagree
I'm not there!

mo: i dont know maybe a sweet bird came to you

sare: well jeez! i dunno
shucks

mo: a little bird DID?

sare: she told me to keep my trap shut if I "knew what was good for me"

mo: that's a tough bird!

sare: i'm a little shaken

mo: ah, sare. i can not tell you how sorry i be

sare: it's fine
it's fine

mo: no

sare: OHGOD
WAIT
the little bird is back

mo: what? what?

sare: and
she
she knows I talked

mo: desprate times call for desperate measures
don't think about it - just do it ... do the dance

sare: I ca . . .I can't

mo: sare?
it's.your.life.

sare: the bird

mo: i'll never get across town in time

sare: she's just staring at me
ok
here goes
>does a little bit of this<
>and then, cautiously, a little bit of that<

mo: * bom chitty bom bow *

sare: >then, mournfully, wiggles her tail<

mo: * base starts the beatting *

sare: but, i did it. i gotta keep
oh
it gets faster
>little bit of this<
>little bit of that<

mo: * musics building *

sare: wiggles tail<
>clapclapclapclap<

mo: * BOMCHITTYBOMBOW *

sare: >flapping arms!<
>making chkcy hands!<

mo: * WOOP WOOP *

sare: >arms become blur!<

mo: * SHE'S ON IT SHE'S ON IT *
* BIRDY DI-DI *
* WOOP WOOP *

sare: no da-da-da parts, where we link arms?
>COLLAPSES!<

mo: * bird dies on top *

sare: mo?

mo: yeah, sare?

sare: what were we talking about?

mo: I have no idea ... but I have a feeling we might just need a mai tai

sare and mo don't know what in the world they're going to wear

2006-04-20T13:06:00.000-04:00

mo: this.just.in!
we're performing on sunday @ 8 sare, how about that?
sare: that's pretty nuts!
mo: crazy right?'
sare: so we're a website, how do we become a show?
mo: well, we have fingers, so maybe there's more to us?
sare: DOUBTFUL

mo is away from her computer right now.

2006-04-17T09:43:00.000-04:00

sare: ay!
Sent at 9:35 AM on Monday
sare: are you dere?
Sent at 9:37 AM on Monday
sare: ok
i get in car and go bye bye
i come back to new york
i took cute pics
want anything from buffalo?
nobody talka me!
i have rehearsal tonight.
sigh.
Sent at 9:41 AM on Monday
sare: MORNING TELEVISION!

mo & sare day in the life

2006-04-13T15:04:00.000-04:00

mo: * wonders if i can convince sarah that i am talking to rob lowe
* shakes head knowingly

sare: wait, what?
really?

mo: * it worked
* high fives own self

sare: have you been outside?

mo: nope

sare: its 75

mo: what the?

sare: i know!

mo: seventy five!!!
rob lowe is really excited

sare: oh crap!
seriously?

mo: * high fives own self
Yep!

sare: you are so lucky!

mo: * kisses back of hand

sare: i bet he's eating at that mile long buffet yuo guys have there
god, i wish i had your job!

mo: Yep and he just put on the new shoes they handed out during breakfast
they're converse that say my name on them

sare: i haven't had new shoes in over a year!
that's true. aw, shit.

mo: that needs to change

sare: tell me more about how you get a dollar everytime you surf to a new non-work related website?

mo: well, they just upped it

sare: aw man!

mo: you get $1 and a massage

sare: So Jealous!!!!!!!

mo: WHILE YOU'RE VIEWING

sare: oh man
and Rob Lowe is there?

mo: Rob Lowe is the one giving me a massage
Hello!

sare: !!!!!!!

mo: (that was Rob Lowe)

sare: i might die!
he can see me type?

mo: * starts laughing so hard that vmt comes out of my nose

sare: does this font make me look fat?

mo: he can see you in the camera i have set up in your office

sare: oh!
hi!

mo: he says that he'd like to marry you after he finishes my massage

sare: Alright! That's it, I am offically dead from awesome!

mo: * nervously calls 911

sare: I'M GONNA BE CHAD LOWE'S SISTER IN LAW

mo: * looks around for fire putterouter

sare: HE BETTER GET HIS DAM ASS HANDS OFF OF YOU
SERIOUSLY
HE'S MY FIANCE
OH MICHELE!

mo: * runs into glass that encloses office

mo and sare sort of get new identities again.

2006-04-11T14:57:00.000-04:00

sare: showalter is a great name
know what else is a great last name?
workman
and
newhouse
mo: sizemore
sare: i love those kinds of names
yes!
mo: if i had to choose my last name though, it'd be pumpkin
sare: seriously?
mo: kind of
sare: mine would be August
or!
mo: nice
sare: or!
Beane!
Beane is great
I LOVE NOUNS!
mo: now though, i want to change my first name to fit my last
sare: ok
mo: Canyon
Canyon doesn't work with pumpking
pumpking!
sare: Pmpking!
mo: Canyon Lowrey
sare: Iris
or Ivy pumpkin
mo: hmmm
that's nice
sare: Ivy F*cking Pumpkin
mo: indeedy
hero would also be an awesome middle name - ivy hero pumpkin
sare: now this is just getting silly.
mo: wouldn't you like to make people smile just by saying your name?
sare: i met a girl named panda.
she seemed embarrassed.
mo: she should not be!
i would just hug her
sare: yeah ,well.
mo: however, I would never do that to my child
like my friend pleasure
sare: yeah. all the hugging would get weird
of course,
i knew a guy named bob
and he seemed embarrassed a lot, too
mo: was his last name Kat?
too much?
sare: i didnt ask
he looked shady
mo: Maybe his name was bob white kat
and was so confused
i think that if i wanted to though, i could totally change my name
so, don't think i couldnt'
sare: people say that people who change their names are trying to create a new identity for themselves, like, a new image
because they are DISATISFIED WITH THEMSELVES
mo: MAYBE I AM DISATISFIED WITH MYSELF
sare: are you DISATISFIED with yourself, Ivy Pumpkin?
ARE YOU REALLY????????????
mo: it's ivy HERO pumpkin
sare: YOU ARE A SAMURAI!
YOU JUST WALKED UP A WALL!
mo: i have many songs written about my middle name!
sare: LIKE IN THAT MOVIE
SHAOLIN SOCCER!
mo: I DIDN'T SEE IT BECAUSE IVY HERO PUMPKIN DOESN'T HAVE TIME, SHE'S TOO BUSY SAVING KITTENS FROM DANGER
sare: MY ORIGINAL NAME IS BRITANY ASHLEY DEANDRA SUPERCRUSH
mo: WAIT! ALL MY SENSE OF YOU IS GONE
YOU AREN'T TRULY SARE?
sare: OF COURSE i AM!
NOW.
mo: WHAT DID YOU RUN FROM?

mo: IS THAT TOO PERSONAL? IT MAY BE
I'M SORRY BRIT - I MEAN, SARE
sare: RUNNING FROM MYSELF!
AND THIS GOLLD*MN*SS PRINTER
brb
works suck
s

mo is in acceptance

2006-04-07T14:43:00.000-04:00

ah, sare! wherever you are, i hope you are well. my heart while sad is ready to let you go. i wish you the best the world has to offer. i wish you funny, scary movies, like shaun of the dead, before the hype. you would have loved it if no one had told you about it, i feel certain of that, but everything happens for a reason. i wish you some wonderful hairdresser to wash your head to the point where you're almost asleep and then the best mirrors to look in while she gives you the best trim in the world. i wish you steak upon steak upon steak and mashed potatoes with some fancy blue cheese melted in it for spice whenever you desire. but more than this, i wish you love.

mo is in the depression

2006-04-06T13:37:00.000-04:00

i'm not even going to bother to pretend that you're here any more. you're off with your new life. i'm here. trapped. you're not coming back. i'll never leave this seat with the phone that rings, looking out at the blue sky with no hope of feeling the rays of sunshine on my freckled skin. i'm just a nobody in a world full of nobodys. its not cool but who cares? no one thats who.

mo is in the bargaining

2006-04-05T12:35:00.000-04:00

mo: listen, sare. i know you think you should be on this vacation but you should come back and i then, i shall give you my ipod with all of my musics on it. that's including all of my dolly parton and musical theater scores.

sare:

mo: hmmm ... maybe that wouldn't appeal to someone like you. someone who is so very needed here with me in nyc. i tell you what, i will instead give you my super secret lasso that no one else in the world knows about. this lasso doesn't JUST round up whatever is in your path, it also rounds up YOUR most secret desires ... its how i got stanny! and i was going to hold on to it so that i could get that stardom i was craving, but if you come back, then its yours.

sare:

mo: ok ok ok ok ok - that may have seemed like the big guns but! i also have other magical powers. i can make it so that you never have to do laundry again - with just a toss of my hair. that's yours. not my hair. i'm going to keep my hair. unless you want my hair too? you could have it. please come home. now, please. i miss you and i'm lonely and i don't have anyone to help destroy the world with and my work is not slacking. i'm on top of stuff. to the point that my boss has noticed and COMMENDED me on it. that's not good. SARE! WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? would you like my dream catcher that i bought in shiprock, nm? it caught my very favorite dreams - its yours! including the dreams! you want my red sneakers? YOURS! you want my last box of thin mints? YOURS!

sare:

mo: * shuffles outside
* sits in park
* sobs

mo is in the anger

2006-04-04T09:40:00.000-04:00

sare: hey!
oh shit!
im in edinburgh
we just came back from edinburgh castle
we're headed to arthurs seat
scotland is the greatest palce in the world
Wish you were here!
short on time gtg
lovelovelove

mo: what!
hello?
you already gone!?!?!

sare:

mo: SARIE!

sare:

mo: SOOOOOOOOOOOOO, I'M JUST SOMEONE YOU CAN JUST LEAVE. IS THAT IT? I'M YOUR KICK AROUND PAL. WELL, THINK ABOUT THIS, MAYBE I WON'T BE AVAILABLE FOR YOU ANY MORE ... HUH? WHAT DO YOU THINK? MAYBE I'LL GO TO EUROPE AND BE FANCIFIED AND DRINK THE BEERS AND JUST OCCASIONALLY SAY HOWDY HO! YOU KNOW WHEN I'M NOT TOO BUSY WITH THE CAVORTING. I'M NOT A STEAK, YOU CAN'T JUST ORDER ME (THANK YOU WORKING GIRL THE MOVIE WHICH IS THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD WHICH IS WHY I'M A SECRETARY IN THE FIRST PLACE ... WAIT! I TAKE THAT BACK MOVIE! MAYBE I WOULDN'T BE A SECRETARY - MAYBE IF I HAD PAID A LITTLE MORE ATTENTION DURING NATIONAL VELVET, I'D BE A BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GIRL HORSE RIDER WITH OLD FASHIONED BRACES. WHAT WAS I THINKING? STUPID SEDUCTIVE WORKING GIRL WITH YOUR HOT HOT HARRISON FORD.) YOU ARE PROBABLY RIGHT NOW ON THE TOP OF A SCOTTISH BAR DANCING THE HOOCHI COOCHI WITH THE GUINESS! OH, YOU, YOU, YOU TRAVELER! HOWS THAT PASSPORT? IS IT MAKING YOU HAPPY. ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? BECAUSE I'M HAPPY TOO. HOW DOES THAT FEEL? I GOT STICKIES & STAPLES! I MAY LOOK AT YOUR BLOG OVER AND OVER AND OVER TO SEE IF ITS BEEN UPDATED BUT THATS NOT BECAUSE I MISS YOU. NO ITS MORE BECAUSE I WANT TO SHOW MYSELF THAT YOU ARE SELISH TO THE INTERNETS NOT JUST ME ALONE.

sare:

mo: FINE! FINE! I GET IT! TRAITOR!

mo is in the denial

2006-04-03T13:45:00.000-04:00

mo: sare! what a beautiful weekend, right? like crazy beautiful weather! i walked all over this wee island and had some starbucks which is normally the enemy but i was feeling the love of all so i thought what the hell. i tried to call you but no answer. so strange. anyway, speaking of CRAZY i got an email from my boss being all, when you give me phone messages, please make sure you write down the number because its such a waste of my time to look them up. i wonder how long it took her to type out an email? right? ha. so, how do we kill her?

sare:

mo: i'll just give her messages with no number written down. it'll just be blank. right?

sare:

mo: take that! you're dead from messages!
* sighs *
* sends email to sare *
* puts head in hands *
* waits *

sare & mo make sense

2006-03-31T14:26:00.000-05:00

mo: like a polar bear must get in a very warm country
sure i don't make sense but do i have to?

sare: no
it's whatever you want it to mean
how you (personally) attch meaning to words and phrases

mo: i make them into grapes and pjs

sare: whatever the receptor (listener) and the actor(me=always an actor) can provoke new images in athenlsjk;dboixfaOEWsfn

mo: i sometimes fiddle with the dial that is my ear and tune into an amazing plastic pony of herbles

sare: yes!
but what you don't understand is that my personal interprtaiont of herbles is that of phonification

mo: when i phonificate on a hebble leaf of forgonage i become enraptured with the glow of the miffle in my bear glassware

sare: good! now, harass me sexually!

mo: Oh! well, of course ... are you from PA?

sare: I AM SO LOST! AND I LOVE IT!

sare & mo make spam

2006-03-31T14:15:00.000-05:00

sare: LETS START A SPAM BUSINESS

mo: there has NEVER been a better idea from you, my dear!

sare: SELL SPAMBLOCKER
AND WE SEND PEOPEL CDS THEY CAN USE AS A A SPAM BLOCKER

mo: WITH ! a key chain

sare: BUT REALLY THE CD JUST CALLS US AND TELLS US THEIR PRIVATE BUISINESSES
AND WE STEAL IDENTITIES
I WANT TO BE
UM
THAT GIRL ELIZABETH FROM THE VEIW
STEAL IT!

mo: I WANT TO BE CHAD LOWE

sare: THAT IS THE BEST IDEA I HAVE EVER HEARD
CAN WE BOTH BE CHAD LOWE?

mo: YES! I think it probably takes more than one person to BE chad lowe

sare: HA

mo: the key chain - IN CASE YOU WERE WONDERING - steals their DNA

sare: YES!
MAYBE HE WILL APPRECIATE US BEING HIM
EACH A QUATER OF THE TIME

mo: IT WOULD BE BETTER THAN US BEING MEGAN FOLLOWS

sare: SHE WAS A BULIMIC ON ER ONE TIME
I'D LOVE TO BE ON ER

mo: I'D GIVE A LOT TO BE A REDHEAD

sare: WE WILL MAKE SURE TO SPAM REDHEADS

mo: I'D TOTALLY KISS GEORGE CLOONY!
WAIT! SORRY - YES - SPAM

sare: WAIT
WHAT I WERE GEORGE CLOONEY
AND YOU BECAME GEOGRE CLOONEYS GIRLFRIEND
AND WE DIDN'T KNOW IT

mo: WE'D HAVE TO ROGER, PROLLY!
sare: WE'D ACCIDENTLY KISS EAHCOTHER
DOES THAT MAKE US GAYYE

mo: i mean, kiss! yes, kiss! not have butt secks!

sare: I'M JUST SAYING, LET'S TRY IT.

mo: (sare - we're already gayye for each other - it would just firm it up)
I'M IN

Sare Goes On Vacation

2006-03-31T13:23:00.000-05:00

sare: i'm eatin plaintain chips
my bos said something to me and i missed it

mo: eep

sare: i think she apologized for being curt with me

mo: she prolly said, have a good time, slut

sare: yes, in fact
and i will!
slut!

mo: lady is gonna slap ass and take names

sare: and eat hobnobs, muthatruckas

mo: eat hobnobs?
does that mean what I think it does?

sare: oh yes
SCOTTISH
SOCCER
HOOLIGAN
DOIN' IT!

mo: these are all so thrilling
i'm getting a bit tit-alated

sare: I won't be getting to a computer while I'm away, I'm afraid

mo: i BET you do!

sare: my hands will be occupied

mo: i mean i bet you WILL, you randy fox

sare: what's rogering? have I ever done it before?

mo: i BELIEVE its the butt secks

sare: what's the difference between doing it "roundly" and just regular?
oh!
then no, i haven't

sare: mmm. hobnobs.

mo: but eating them, sare?
does that mean DIGESTING?
will you go to these contries and become a canibal?

sare: "become"
?

mo: *DUN DUH DUUUUUUUUUUH*

sare: did i say plantains before?

mo: * pulls on collar *

sare: I meant man's brains!

mo: * starts stretching for a sprint *

sare: I almost said "man's taints" but that grossed me out.

mo: * VMTS *

sare and mo prep to kill

2006-03-30T11:34:00.000-05:00

sare: GET HIM!

mo: i'm ready to move FORWARD with that plan

sare: as in, ATTACK!

mo: is this a secure channel?

sare: duffy duffy springboard

mo: seth moore has a nose hair

sare: alright
we are free to talk, comrade
for unlimited minutes!
aahhahahah

mo: the plan is simple
the execution is key

sare: two words:
GET HIM!

mo: * packs up revolver *

sare: >slaps self in face to get 'pumped'<

mo: * pulls thigh highs up under mini *

sare: >kisses saint medals<
>crosses self<

mo: * selects Midnight Murder from lipstick box on top of dresser *

sare: >puts on rocking tunes<
>adjusts gauntlets<
>finds gauntlets unecessary<
>and, let's face it, a little gay<
>i mean, this isn't the ren faire<
>gauntlets made sense in the time of swords when forearms were more of a target<
>it was a more elegant time<
>fuck it, I'm wearing the gauntlets<

mo: * its more seedy than res times i think *

sare: >this is what I'm saying<

mo: * its more 70's *

sare: >they'll be under my trenchcoat<

mo: * like you know um, the french connection? *

sare: >I just don't want him to judge me<
>right before I END HIS LIFE<

mo: * our mission is to kill him - he's going to judge you *

sare: >you're right<
>I'm wearing the gauntlets<
>AND the tabbard<

mo: * that's fine! i'm wearing thigh highs for goodness sake *

sare: >yeah, but you make them work<

mo: * if i could, i'd also just be in my shirtsleeves but i think this long jacket adds flair *

sare: >very matrix<
>you really pull yourself together<

mo: * thank you! that's so nice! *
* you look, for the record, very avante guard *

sare: >you think? I think I look too brutish<

mo: * no! you look very military in the best sense *

sare: >ok. thanks<
>let's kill this guy<

mo: * breaks heel on curb *

sare: That's a shame.

mo: I need a scotch

sare and mo go up above the murderous toilet paper

2006-03-29T16:03:00.000-05:00

sare: blerblerbler shamrockshake!

mo: sare's between the countries right now, she can't come to the gtalk

sare: i'm flying on the magic plane!
the ocean is licking us!
IT TICKLES!

mo: * ocean has on french maid uniform *

moments tick by

sare: SORRY I WAS BUSY FLYING THE PLANE

mo: * ocean pouts *

sare: THERE IS ROOM FOR YOU ON MY LAP, OCEAN
THERE IS TOOM FOR ALL ON MY LAP!

mo: TOOM! Are you inviting her too?

sare: TOOM ARRANGED MY FLIGHTS
TOOM IS ORBITRZ
WE ARE DATING

mo: THEN WHY AM I ON YOUR LAP?

sare: KEEP IT UNDER YOUR HATS
LAP IS NICE

mo: I WILL NOT BE A THIRD WHEEL

sare: I LOVE LAP

mo: I GIVE GOOD LAP

sare: OH LOOK
CLOUDS.

mo: oh, clouds!
no! clouds are taking me from you!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

sare: THEY LOOK LIKE MY BEDROOM CEILING!
WHITE!

mo: THEY ARE KILLING ME!

sare: SO MUCH FOR CLOUDS BEING LIKE TOILET PAPER
MURDEROUS TOILET PAPER MORE LIKE! HAHAH!

mo: MY RAIN BROTHERS ! COME TO ME ! CUMULUS !

sare: OH SHIT
YOU GOING ALL ODIN AND CRAP

mo: CIRCLE OF LIFE FANCY PILOT!

sare: I'LL MAKE WISHES ON YOU

mo: WITH PENNIES?

sare: THEY BETTER G*D*MN COME TRUE

mo: I'M JUST THE OCEAN, I'M DEEP NOT A G*D* GENIE

sare: I DON'T LIKE YOUR TONE

mo: YOU DON'T LIKE MY TONE? FANCY PILOT! YOU'VE ASKED ME TO SIT ON YOUR LAP WHEN YOU LOVE ANOTHER! YOU'RE LUCKY YOU'RE ONLY GETTING TONE AND NOT GETTING WAVES!
gosh, I ...

sare: um
i mean
it's just a lap right?

mo: It's just that
well, this happens a lot to me ... I think I'm connecting
and I'm just a lap warmer

sare: >flys plane into the side of a mountain<

Pure Imagination

2006-03-28T13:53:00.000-05:00

mo: what if america were a cow?

sare: what if nobody had feet?

mo: what if you didn't have to put your hands in your pockets?

sare: what if yogurt could be eaten without a spoon, OR, with TWO spoons?

mo: what if sean puffy didn't change his name 12 times?

sare: what if we all spoke latin?

mo: what if we all caught the bus by being put into it by a helicopter?

sare: what if duane reade started serving steak dinner?

mo: what if sam never got with diane?

sare: what if mom never got with dad?

mo: isn't that what its all about?

sare: what if it really was all about the hokey pokey?

mo: what if old macdonald farm was repossessed by the bank?

sare: Indeed. what if the egg really did come first?

mo: WHAT IF! you hadn't put your chocolate in my peanut butter?

sare and mo tell griggs to suck it.

2006-03-27T15:26:00.000-05:00

me: suck it, griggs
mo: guy thinks he can infiltrate
a VERY select blog
me: fer rizz
mo: Hi! Rory Albanese!
me: HI!
what?
mo: just put in anyones name!
Hi! Kate Spencer!
i have no idea
me: Hello Erin Barnes!
mo: Hello, Gina Campanoli!
me: Hello Randolph Mantooth!
mo: Hello Maurice Sandwichici
me: Hola, Maria Concheta Alonzo!
No hello for you, Chris Griggs.
mo: Konichiwa, Masaki Takahashi!
me: Aloha Wanawnanana Pikupua
mo: Goede Dag, Hamlet VonBapenspire
me: SAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALUT! Jimmyjoejimbob!
mo: nooooooo hey ho for the man known as chris griggs
me: Hey chris griggs, did you notice?
did you see?
No love.
mo: its ok though! you still have memphis
maybe walking on beale street will kick your blues away
or give you a new kind
me: No love here, no mentions of your name
are you reading this, Chris Griggs?
Please tell me you are reading this, Chris Griggs!
mo: chris griggs
me: CHRIS GRIGGS
mo: i can't live if you aren't!
PLEASE TELL US YOU ARE READING US!
me: CHRIS GRIGGS!
CHRIS GRIGGS!
mo: sare! what if he doesn't read this?
me: omg
don't even say it
don't even think it
CHRIS GRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGGS
mo: IF I HAD A HAMMER, I'D HAMMER MY FACE OFF IF CHRIS GRIGGS DOESN'T READ THIS
me: omg.
omg.
chris.

griggs.
>exhale<

seeds

2006-03-23T16:45:00.000-05:00

sare: omg
that is like a sweet fruit

mo: fruit that kills me

sare: i know

mo: sufficates me
makes me so dead that i will miss you

sare: like a delicious mango in which someone has taken a small, watery poop.

mo: like the most beautiful apple filled with razor blades

sare: like cotton candy that has been lightly flavored with asbestos

mo: like a model with the back of her head blown off

sare: like a jelly donut filled with raw egg

mo: like cat having lizards

sare: like having many many extra joints in your arms and legs.
that might actually be coolish.

mo: like an opera singer doing rap

sare: or!
my dad!

mo: actually, that'd be awesome too!

sare: awesome in the hilarious way!

We Will Have The Most Tense Violins

2006-03-23T12:37:00.000-05:00

sare: eep!
did she read our secret writings?
mo: she did
sare: op
are you in troubs?
mo: but then? i had that piano wire you had given me awhile ago? you remember when cece had the twins?
sare: ah yes! i had a different face then!
mo: i liked your old face but actually - it was the second time she had twins
we're gonna have to change our faces again
sare: ah ha! post face transplant! go on.
mo: well, i used it
the piano wire
and, i'm currently closing up my outlook
and deleting all my files
sare: i see.
>pours seven and seven<
>walks away from it<
>walks to dresser<
>makes sure mark is hit<
mo: * gets up to get files *
sare: >fingers revolver<
mo: * trips over body *
sare: >looks pensive<
mo: * picks body up and puts in office *
sare: >tense music plays<
We'll be right back!
OR WILL WE !?!?!?!??!?!?!?
GUNSHOT IN THE DARK
>DIAPER COMMERCIAL<
mo: * lights up on puddle of blood *
sare: >still looking pensive<
mo: * mo is gone *
sare: >puts revolver back in lingerie drawer<
>takes it out again<
mo: * black cat walks on a tightrope *
sare: >tense music plays more!<
mo: * screams *
sare: >coffee cup sits very close to edge of desk<
mo: * door slams *
sare: >bowling ball has knocked down all but one pin, which teeters in a slow circle<
mo: * toddler runs toward busy street *
sare: >slot machine comes up CHERRY . . . CHERRY . . . STILL SPINNING . . .<
mo: * heroin addict stands at a tilt getting closer & closer to sidewalk *
sare: >woman fumbles with keys at front door while a coworker with whom she is having an affair is behind her disrobing, while her husband and all of her friends hide behind her couch in the dark, preparing to shout "surprise! happy birthday"<
mo: * russian spy crosses border in switzerland into germany while russian snyper is trained on him while german sniper is trained on russian sniper *
sare: >mo hides behind locker in locker room, so so quietly, hoping the murderer will not see/hear her, as the killer walks by, slowly, one locker away, listening, so so so quietly until . . .
until . . . .
until . . .
THE KILLER IS ME!
THE KILLER IS ME
THE JOKES ON YOU
THE KILLER IS ME!
Surprise!
mo: Everybody lies
* dies of heartbreak *
sare: Happy Birthday!

TART TART

2006-03-21T14:48:00.000-05:00

mo: your silly
you're
fucking stupid medlin

sare: you are my silly

mo: i'm the dumbest girl in the WORLD
I KILL ME

sare: your not dum
seriously

mo: STUPIDIEST
TART TART

sare: EVERYONE MAKES THE SAME MISTAKES

mo: EVERYONE IS CRAZY THEN
BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THATS THE DEFINITION OF CRAZY

sare: YES WE ARE!

mo: EVERYONES GONNA BE PISSED THAT YOURE TALKING FOR THEM

sare: NO THEY AREN'T BC I AM IN CHARGE

mo: SAYS WHO?

sare: THEY SAID SO! BUT YOU KNOW HOW THEY CAN BE
mo: DON'T YOU MEAN EVERYONE SAID SO
DUH

sare: YOU KNOW "THEY"
THE PEOPLE
ALL OF THEM
AND THE GROUP THAT MAKES THINGS HOW THEY ARE

mo: WE THE PEOPLE ARE LAWYERS
AM I IN JAIL?

sare: YES
THE WORLD IS A JAIL, IF YOUTHINK ABOU TIT LONG ENOUGH

mo: I THINK ABOUT TIT CONSTANTLY

sare: YOU ARE CONS TITS

mo: NO, SARE - I'M PRO TITS

word to your moms!

2006-03-21T12:50:00.000-05:00

mo: you have 4 min

sare: oh shit
ok
!

mo: 2 min

sare: oh shit!

mo: 1 second

sare: blue wire or the light blue wire!!!
which do I cut??!?!?!?!?

mo: bingo! you won a salad spinner

sare: or the baby blue wire??
oh jeez!

mo: its a bird!

sare: or the cerulean wire?!?!?!?
>sweats<

mo: * lambs eating greenery outside window *

sare: the thethe, uh, yellow wire?

mo: yellow is the sun that will be obliterated if you fail

sare: uhuhuhuhuh
i learned at the academy
red you're dead blue blew you up

mo: the academy ! really
which academy though

sare: lavendar makes you a cadavendar
the bomb not going off academy of arts and sciences

mo: in tennessee or cincnatti?

sare: i graduated summa cum KA-BLEWIE
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
HA

mo: that may very well be your last laugh

sare: it was.
>dies<

mo: um, sarie?

sare: yes?

mo: that means we're both dead

sare: oh shit.

Contest Weiner!

2006-03-21T12:29:00.000-05:00

mo: we should do a give away on kill

sare: what we give away ONE FREE MURDER
WE KILL YOU

mo: with post its

sare: YOU WANT TO BE KILLED

mo: * looks around *

sare: YES WE KILL THEM ON LINE

mo: * breathes deeply *

sare: MAKE THEM CHAT WITH US AND KILL WITH HOT AWESOME CHATLINES
YOU SIGN UP FOR CONTEST OR WE KILL YOU

mo: sare - you keep saying you ... does that mean the contest is to kill ME!

sare: UM
WELL
ONLY IF YOU WIN

mo: except that i can't enter because of my affiliation with kill!
phew!

sare: NOT IF YOU DEAD

mo: see, you keeps with the sayings
is this contest really about killing me?

sare: IT OK YOU DIE SOON

mo: * record needle sound *
SARE!

sare: WHAT I SAY

mo: YOU SAID! YOU DIE SOON!

sare: OH YES I SAID IT BC IT TRUE

mo: * sneaks out the door *

sare: HAHAS YOU LEAVE TRAIL OF BLOOD
I SEE YOUR SOUL
YOU ARE THE WINNER!

mo: * eats mango *

sare: >SMILES PROUDLY<

sare: >FEEEDS YOU PERFUMES SALAD<

mo: * double dies *

sare: >DOUBLE DEAD<
YOU ARE THE WEEEEENER

Why am I always the boy?

2006-03-20T13:34:00.000-05:00

mo: you love butt!
that's the problem
sare: it's true.
I blame myself
>pulls mail back over arms<
I'll be here
mo: WAIT!
sare: >buries self in Dell boxes<
mo: you give up SO EASILY!
* tosses long blonde hair over shoulder *
sare: well, i don't want to push
mo: * applies lipstick systamatically *
sare: >adjusts tie emphatically<
>licks fingers, straightens eyebrows<
mo: * checks line of pantyhose *
Sent at 1:14 pm on Monday
mo: Say, Johnny! Tell me about your adventures. Give a girl
something to think about besides typing and filing, will ya?
sare: I say, there was avoluminous roar!
mo: You don't say!
sare: and the fellas and I were taken aback

I lifted the lid and saw a blinding green light
it semed to scan my eyes!
that thing let out quite a holler!
and made a beeping noise
and then I called technical support

the copy machine!
it was pausing jobs!
mo: Pausing jobs! That's the worst thing I ever heard!
sare: you shoulda seen the queue

I gotta call dam ass xerox.
mo: THE QUEUE! must have been
miles long
Sent at 1:25 pm on Monday
sare: i actually do have to call xerox

Heavenly Creatures

2006-03-16T15:30:00.000-05:00

Please excuse the slight hiccup in service. My network administrator is trying to keep mo and me apart and we have to spend a few days figuring out a way to kill it. It shouldn't be long. We'll figure something out in due time.
In the mean time, keep the emails and phone calls coming!

-sarie

Google and Presto!

2006-03-15T16:44:00.000-05:00

mo: i think thats why G*d created me for you
sare: thanks dude!
mo: G*d?
yes
me: yeah!
mo: I bet He doesn't get thanked enough
sare: He's the "silent listener in every conversation"!
according to a wall hanging at my mom's house
mo: eep!
so, i guess he heard this
me: i know right?
He's heard worse!
EVERY conversation
mo: basically? G*d has internet with convo
you know?
like we could say i'd like to do a search for alien combatants and we google and presto!
sare: oh
like he says it and it happens?
mo: more like a radio
He thinks, I'd be interested in what people feel about Papa John's new crust
and switches in to that
sare: so, god's like, a huge nerd?
god's a hacker!
mo: He's NOT A HACKER OR A NERD but maybe a little of both with a little htlm experience
and he looks like oh! he looks like Dennis Quaid in Frequency
sare: AND!
The man who played DQ's grown up son played Jesus in the Passion f the Christ!
Life is a circle.
At least I'll always have you, wall hanging.
mo: He's the "silent listener in every conversation"!
(that's the only thing the wall hanging can say!)
sare: oh wall hanging!
>cue montage<
>wall hanging and I frolic in the park<
mo: * sare & wall hanging at movie *
sare: >play with frisky puppy<
mo: * running through snow flakes *
sare: >I pour milk, realize it's empty, wall hanging looks guilty<
>shoot each other with silly string<
>take self-defense class together<
mo: * goes to strip club sare looks decidedly nervous, wall hanging shrugs *
* wall hanging graduates from college, sare in front row with cannon powershot cued *
sare: >goes shopping<
>I look bored carrying wall hanging's purse<
mo: * wall hanging tripping up mt. fuji, sare puts hand out behind *
sare: >the two of us mediate at a monastery in tibet<
>get our nails done<
mo: * wall hanging makes crazy face behind sare in line @ motor vhiecle *
sare: >we speed-date together, end up at the same table<
>laugh!<
mo: * sare sleepign on couch, wall hanging comes in and pulls blanket over shoulder, sighs *
sare: >wall hanging notices a desk calendar hidden in my office<
>becomes enraged<
>I stop staying over so much<
mo: * wall hanging walking forlorn along brooklyn thing people walk along with nyc in back ground - tear make wall hanging a little bit warped *
sare: >we lose touch, I take a pottery class<
mo: * wall hanging starts dating through synagoge *
sare: >i look at a picture of us at the Sea World touchtank<
>shrug<
mo: * wall hanging storms through notre dame in paris where he moved to get over sare
gets to charles la whatever airport *
* plane *
* front door of sare's apartment *
sare: >a large picture frame opens the door<
>looks at the wall hanging quizzically<
Can i help you?
mo: * pulls wilted daisy from behind back *
sare: "he is the silent listener in every converastion?"
mo: * fade

Ooops!

2006-03-15T12:05:00.000-05:00

mo: i think you're cute what do you think about that?

sare: i think i like you and I think i like that!
what's going on?
what am I missing?

mo: a finger! look down!

sare: Oh crap!'

mo: my hate slipped

sare: ?

mo: it cut your finger off

sare: oh come on guys, be careful!

mo: SORRY! my hate is so intense it slips up

sare: well, get a holster

mo: my holster got burned up by my seething anger!

sare: let me tell you this
maybe you need to stop by the ice cream store and pu t the hate in some frozen yogurt
just let is cool out a little bit
oh crap
you know it is hard to type liek this?

mo: it was an ACCIDENT!
you know how i get
maybe YOU should have been more careful!

sare: oh noes!
there it go again
mo re fi nger go e
t is i n t adv nt geo s of me t c ntin e t t lk o y u

mo: Maybe I should go get a coffee

sare: g d i a

fight!

2006-03-14T15:32:00.000-05:00

sare: my boss wanted to chichat

mo: what?
ghey!

sare: i know!
the gheyist!

mo: so, what did you guys talk about?

sare: the weather
my trip
her office is twenty feet away from the office she started in 15 years ago!

mo: that makes me so sad

sare: she bounced around all over!
but tended up back here!
she likes it
shes rich. she has great hair. i don't feel too bad for her

mo: but dig a little deeper
does she have to DYE HER HAIR?
does she GET HER NAILS DONE?

sare: I dont know!
i guess!

mo: does she EAT OUT A LOT?

sare: PROBABLY

mo: does she HAVE CABLE?

sare: I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO HER APARTMENT
EXCEPT SHE PROBABLY HAS A HOUSE

mo: does she OWN?

sare: I HAVENT TALKED TO HER ACCOUNTANTS

mo: does she MAKE FOOD WITH HER KITCHEN AID?

sare: LETS SAY YES TO MOST OF THESE QUESTIONS AND NO TO ABOUT 1% PERCENT WHAT IS YOUR POINT?
15%
http://my.statcounter.com/project/standard/magnify.php?ip_number=1456399316

mo: MY POINT IS sare !!!!!!!!! SHE PROBABLY HAS A GREAT LIFE
(it won't let me view what you want me to view)

sare: SHE IS A GOOD PERSON AND IS NICE TO ME
SO I HOPE HER LIFE IS P GOOD AT LEAST
(its from ksk
a french searched for us?)

mo: )a FRENCH!
oui oui)

sare: (c'est bon!)

mo: I HOPE HER LIFE IS VERY GOOD!
if you like her that is
JEEZ SARE! I'M NOT THE TOWN BULLY

sare: yesh she's alright

mo: what were they googling?

sare: the webaddress?

mo: oh that's really weird

sare: i guess?
yeah

mo: maybe when i was talking to someone in FRANCE on the PHONE i may have MENTIONED it

sare: maybe you just know everyone in the world
and you just need to BRAG ABOUT IT

mo: MAYBE ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD KNOW me ... did you ever stop to think about that?

sare: BRAGGART
WE ARE FIGHTING

mo: WE'RE NOT FIGHTING!

sare: YES
WE
ARE
TYVM.

mo: I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOUR oh
thank you very much too
that's so sweet

sare: you can use that.

mo: I may start
would you like a lollipop?

sare: NO BC WE ARE FIGHTING.

mo: WE ARE NOT

sare: YES WE ARE

mo: WHAT ARE WE FIGHTING ABOUT AGAIN?
BECAUSE I'M KNOWN AND LOVED BY THE WORLD?

sare: ABOUT HOW YOU ALWAYS WANT TO HAVE THE LAST WORD
OH YEAH!
AND
THAT
TOO!

mo: I WOULD LIKE TO NOT TYPE NOW SO THAT YOU CAN HAVE THE LAST WORD BUT THEN I WILL BE SILENT WHICH WILL MAKE YOU THINK THAT I'M POUTING

sare: I like when rachel said "don't welch on your promise." that is a funny word.
BUT WE ARE FIGHTING.
WE'RE JUST ABOUT done.

mo: the kids that they use in the welchs jelly commercials are always too precocious
I'M NOT FIGHTING AT ALL

sare: IT TAKES ONE

mo: CAN WE PLEASE JUST BE FRIENDS NOW?

sare: ok

and then pour a little on the ground like in the rap videos.

2006-03-14T14:30:00.000-05:00

sare: so salty
mo: um
want a diet coke?
sare: got one!
mo: me too!
sare: aaaaahhhh!
mo: lets drink it together
sare: refreshing!
mo: i toast Christopher Columbus
sare: i toast the invention of the pantyliner!
wait
i want to change my toast
mo: i'm waiting!
no drip has dropped
into my mouth
SARE!
i'm thirsty
sare: I toast toast
mo: hear hear!

Time to Pay the Bills!

2006-03-13T16:38:00.000-05:00

mo: I realized what we need.

sare: ?

mo: SPONSORS!

sare: ok!
red bull!
Xanax!
Birth control!

mo: right now, i'm having a delicious DIET COKE!

sare: i got my tickets through ORBITZ IT WAS SO EASY 1-2-3

mo: I couldn't breath, my allergies were so bad, but then my office mate handed me claritin! Now breathing is a breeze

sare: I peed myself. Thank G*d I was wearing a SERENITY PAD

mo: In a preemptive strike against dying, I killed myself using Dream On!

sare: all this talk has gotten me thirsty, I'monna buy me a pair of tickets to FAILURE TO LAUNCH

mo: speaking of lunch, i did my search using google!

sare: I always go to walmart when I want to buy GUNS and BULLETS

mo: When rushing around looking for the higher power, I always chew Dentine Ice.

sare: I get bloodstains out of my clothes with TIDE WITH BLEACH. SO! Much! Bloodstain!

mo: When I meet with my narc, I always carry Max Factor cover-up! because you never know.

sare: Everytime I sell my body for cash down in AC, but then shank the john and rob him for all he's worht, and then make harassing phone calls to his wife until he pays me something in the low 6s, I dust on a little J,Lo Glow perfumed powder because his bitch of a wife doesn't deserve that money.

mo: Every since my mother left me and my 4 younger sisters with her father who periodically would leave her and her 4 younger sisters I've been praying for the authorities to take us away while eatting a Snickers Bar and listening to OutKast. Then again, maybe Grandpa will die and it will all be taken care of without the authorities.

sare: I'm so lonely. My way is Hanes Her Way.

mo: I can't wait to go to say Cherio! with some Cherrios!

No! Really!

2006-03-13T11:42:00.000-05:00

mo: * sigh *
i ODN'T WANNA BE IN IT ANYWAY
f*cknuts
RIGHT!?!
F*CKEM

sare: seriously
i hear its frustrating
it has to be

mo: frustrating? they deserve to die
what?
i don't REALLY mean that

sare: of course not

mo: you do though

sare: oh totally

mo: you want to mash their faces into fenses

sare: yes, or just casually mock their clothes until they feel awkward.

mo: casually, like, ooh, are gouchos really back how bizzare

sare: or do that thing where you say something really harsh, and they say "I'm kidding! Lighten up!"
People really suoild lighten up

mo: I know, like when you say to people with cancer - hey, how's it living with cancer, cancer head!
and then you say just kidding!
*twinkle

sare: it really ought to wipe it all away, right?
I mean, jeez, don't take it so hard gloomy gus!

mo: its not like everyones world is ending
SELFISH!

sare: but still, if the world was ending, how hard would it be to put a smile on your face??!?!?

mo: * screech *
you mean, if the whole world is ending?
my WORLD?

sare: YES.

mo: THEN NO HAPPY FACE!
i have to go and have loads of sex!

sare: TMI
LOL

mo: YOU'RE TMI! LOL

sare: LOLOLO
HAHAHAHAAH
The world ended.

mo: ROFLNWDP

sare: No, seriously. The world ended.

mo: then i guess i'm not rolling on floor laughing near window dog poop

sare: JUST KIDDING TE WORLD DIDN'T END JEEZLUWEEZ TAKE A JOKE AND A CHILL PILL PLEAS EAND THANK YOU

Hey, Guys?

2006-03-10T15:12:00.000-05:00

mo: hey! if you read, will you also comment?
it makes me feel like you are involved, dear blog reader person out there in the world.
love,
mo
what do you think sare?

sare: i think sure!
also in real life i prefer sarie
so when we become famous people, when they talk to me that should say that.
make that part of the plea

mo: in my mind?
sare = sarie
i need to change eveyrthing don't i?

sare: no
just outloud

mo: oh! ok!

sare: never mind
that is a dumb plea

mo: oh, sare (pronounced sarie) i love you, please dont think that that's a dumb plea!
i wish people would really call me mo instead of michele sometimes

sare: ok!
ok!
someone just referred to a stock as a "crackwhore stock".

mo: i will not ever look at you if you call me mishy though
WHO?

sare: some dude in the conference room who talks too loud

mo: i read: someone just refered to YOU as a "crackwhore stock".
AS IN ME!
and then i got excited that i had a totally new nickname

sare: NO!

mo: i think that people who have cool nicknames probably have really good home lifes

sare: i think that's what they want you to think

mo: they are TRICKY!
any other pleas?

sare: love me!
little else matters

mo: they love you, sare, they love you.

GOOD THING

2006-03-10T09:54:00.000-05:00

mo: CRAZY TOLE ME HOW TO GET IN TOUCH WITHER

saer: BY HOW?

mo: I COULD EITHER CALL HER CELL PHONE! OR I COULD TRANSFER A CALL TO HER CELL PHONE
OR I COULD GIVE THEM HER CELL PHONE NUMBER
OR I COULD EMAIL HER ON HER BLACKBERRY
OR I COULD GO DOWN STAIRS AND GET HER OUT OF THE MEETING
OR I COULDZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

sare: SO MANY OPTIONS

mo: ITS SO INTERESTING IN ALL MY YEARS AS A SEC I NEVER KNET THWIT

sare: SHE IS SMRT THAT IS Y SHE IS BOSS

mo: I AM SO GLAD SHE EXPLAINED ALL THAT OTHERWISE I MIGHT HAVE NOT DONE ANYHTING MAYBY NOT EVEN TAKEN A MESSAGE

sare: GOD I WOULD HAVE JUST HID UNDER MY DESK IF THE PHONE RANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mo: I MIGHT HAVE SET OFF A SERIES OF EVENTS THAT WOULD END IN SOMEONE DYING LIKE THE PRESIDENT OF NEW GUINEA

sare: AT LEAST!

mo: OR MAYBE A LITTLE KOREAN GIRL WOULD HAVE TRIED TO SELL ME HER LITTLE CANDY AND INSTEAD OF BUYING IT I WOULD HAVE ENDED UP EATING HER INSTEAD

sare: OMG MY BOSS HAD TO SAY "SARAH SIT AT YOUR DESK" BECAUSE I WOULD COMEIN TO WORK AND SIT IN THE KITCHEN SINK ALL DAY.
YUO CAN'T REACH THE PHONE FROM THERE!

mo: THANK GOD THEY ARE SO VERY WISE RIGHT? WE MIGHT END UP EATING IN THE BATHROOM OR TAKING MESSAGES WITH OUR BLOOD ON FAXES

sare: OR WHEN SOMEONE COMES FOR A MEETING WE COULD START BEATING THEM UP

mo: I AM SURE THAT IF CRAZY DIDN'T TELL ME HOW TO LOOK IN THE OUTBOX IW OULD INSTEAD JUMP OUT HER WINDOW KILLING MYSELF AND ALL THE LITTLE BEAN PEOPLE ON 48TH STREET

Bunnies!

2006-03-09T12:21:00.000-05:00

mo: shit that's wonderfully wrongly beautifully gheyly cute:

sare: I just became a mom of toddlers

mo: two of whom just adorably pulled out the pansies in the yard

sare: so cute! get the camera!

mo: already have the video set up and recording!

sare: look! he's hitting me with the basebal bat! so sweet! he's gonna be a baseball player! yes he is!

mo: oh, little jamie and his zany behavior!
look he hit rebecca so hard she lost her first tooth

sare: GET THE SCRAPBOOK!

mo: * gets scrapbook *
* deposits Rebecca's bloody tooth next to fist full of her hair pulled on 3/8/06 *

sare: >bedazles page<
>snaps photo of page<

mo: * registers jaimeconsistantlybeatstheshitoutofrebecca.com *
* puts jpeg on website *

sare: >feels empty<

mo: * blogs about Sare's emptiness on her children's website *

sare: >gets pregnant again<

mo: * begins picture campaign of baby belly *
* jamie finds new things to distroy *

sare: >has affair<

mo: * rebecca continues slow journey to alcoholism *

sare: >takes a yoga class<

mo: * records rebecca's trial for manslaughter of jaime *

sare: >marries millionaire<
>lives on boat<
>hates it<

mo: * takes dingy out to boat to take illicit pictures of new millionaress *

sare: >does meth<
>does more meth<

mo: * turns camera on self shows life of depravity *

sare: >does more meth<

mo: * does documentary of downfall of rebecca - shows mom as villan *
* all very heavy handed *
* wins oscar *

sare: >talks to Maury Povich<
>while high on meth<
>does playboy spread with jade barrymore and demi moores mom<
>creeps self out<

mo: * dies in Vegas hotel room *
* films death *

sare: >retires<
>gardens<

mo: * rebecca gets out of prison *
* pulls pansies *

sare: OMG GET THE CAMERA!

Hate-filled Mouthful

2006-03-08T13:29:00.000-05:00

mo: here's what i hate today, a list by Michele O. Medlin
- i hate this one type of lettuce that tastes like perfume

sare: yes!

mo: its like white and tree like?
or at least it comes in that group of lettuces for some reason?

sare: tastes like you're eating twist ties?

mo: you got your perfectly good lettuces and then BAM! you get this fricking hate-filled mouthful of PLANT!
and no one can explain to you why!

sare: i know right?
i hate that

mo: you know what it is?

sare: i call it escarole
i might be wrong

mo: PREJUDICE!

sare: KILL!

mo: that's what i call it

sare: yes!
it tastes like prejudice

mo: because one person has DECLARED that we should like it

sare: bad and wrong and out of place in the salad of america

mo: well, screw YOU!
i will NOT sit at the back of the bus

sare: it's lettuce though
so
i mean, it's not like we can equate any of our experiences with the civil rights movement of the 50s and 60s

mo: why not?

sare: because it's a salad?

mo: but, i don't have any other struggles

sare: really?
well, ok.

mo: what do i have?

sare: escarole
the lettuce of prejudice

The Rocking Champs

2006-03-08T12:56:00.000-05:00

mo: dialated eyes!
the name of my ROCK BAND
that i TOTALLY HAVE
sare: well, my band, Teh Dickheads are going to rule the battle of the bands this friday!
mo: if you guys even show up! aren't you all SUSPENDED FOR SMOKING
sare: Oh we'll show up alright! because we can prove to the dean that we were SET UP.
mo: really?
ugh
how?
sare: not your problem! you have to worry about who's going to sing! your lead vocalist has stage fright and won't some out of the equipment room of the gym!
mo: he'll totally come
sare: AND the father of your guitar player is sending him to military school! he isn't down with this band hokum
looks like all is lost!
and our bad-attitude band has it in the bag!
mo: WHERE ARE YOU GETTING THIS INFORMATION?
sare: let's just say I have someone on the inside OF YOUR BAND IS TELLING THINGS TO ME OK IT IS THE BACKUP CHICK THAT THE DRUMMER HIRED BECAUSE HE LIKED HER SHE IS MY MOLE AND MY EVIL GF
i can't lie to you, you have heart!
mo: and we also are musicians!
sare: but heart won't win the battle of the bnads!
OR
WILL
mo: yes, it totally will
sare: IT??
mo: it will, scuzbutt!
sare: oh.
ok.
well.
congrats.
mo: are you quitting?
like that?
just like that?
sare: i mean, whatever.
mo: you guys are bad asses!
sare: we'll still play.
or whatever.
mo: if you aren't going to bring it, then dialated eyes! aren't going to go either
what is your deal?
sare: HAHA!
BINDING!
YOU GUYZ ARE OUT AND WE ARE THE ROCKING CHAMPS
>FLICKS
CIGARETTE
mo: um
sare: IN
YOUR
FACE<

oh
the dean is behind me inst he?
NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
mo: Hi Mr. Schulster!
or should i say DAD!
sare: Teh Dickheads hereby quit the battle of the bands
>tries unsuccessfully to hide tears<
This isn't over!
mo: THAT'S RIGHT, BEEATCH
sare: SNIFFLE!

Faces of Hate

2006-03-07T11:21:00.000-05:00

sare: sometimes hate finds you

mo: hate seeks out single white girl in city
hate, lonely for more of the same, eats in starbucks

sare: hate finds satisfaction in his 9 dollar half sandwich and coffee order

mo: hate gives blood at blood bank to the chagrin of the citizens of tacoma, wa

sare: hate enjoys stomping past you on the subway stairs, only to stop dead at the top to answer his cell.

mo: hate goes back to 1999 and tells all who will listen how sixth sense ends

sare: hate refuses to close his mouth when he chews.

mo: hate reminds you that you didn't call your mom today

sare: hate makes the friendly suggestion that you get started on that project, even though you're currently working on it

mo: hate says happy 35th birthday while holding out to you the goals you wrote down as a 10 year old that said you'd have both a tony and an oscar by this time

sare: hate plops down between you and that boy you like and tells that story about the time when you were really drunk and you burped and sneezed at the same time

mo: hate's dog poops in front of our stoop, but hate just 'forgot' to bring a baggy for disposal

sare: hate interrupts yours story about chinese cigarettes to quiz you on the facts, with the sole purpose of making you look like you don't know what you're talking about. I mean, you read the times article, but you didn't go to effing china. you didn't read a book on it or anything. i mean, do you have to take a seminar on something before you mention it as an interesting fact to break the tension after awkward sex?

mo: hate shows up at the all girl outing talking about the 'cute' boy she met last week at the picnic. the 'cute' boy in question is your ex-boyfriend which you both KNOW she knows.

sare: hate goes on and on about how much chemistry she had with him and launches into how sorry she feels for him because of his last girlfriend and then she's like "you might know him, you guys went to the same school" which just puts you in the worst position and it's like duh. Also she has those perfect cheekbones that you just want to smash except that they are so perfect and pretty you almost want to reach out and touch them. and seriously, who goes to picnics anymore? whatever, hate. like you're the one person in the world that doesn't look stumpy when you tuck your pants into your boots.

mo: hate then starts talking about how much WEIGHT she's gained over the summer ... the summer she was in ITALY on a work visa which she says she never had to use because she met this DELIGHTFUL family - they're czars from Russia visiting for the summer as well - who just INSISTED that she live with them. she learned both Italian and Russian and now is worried about getting into her clothes for the upcoming school year ... she just got accepted to Yale's graduate program for Drama

sare: man.
hate's getting me down.

mo: me too
want some cheetos?

sare: yeah.

insert milk

2006-03-06T14:36:00.000-05:00

mo: someone started working here todayand she brought in cookies on her first day - discuss
sare: i think it's nice
mo: more on this nice, please
sare: were they good cookies or poison cookies?
mo: i have not tried said cookies because of that very condundrum
sare: well why are you complaining
do you have something against friendliness?
mo: i have something against everything in this instance
i say! look before you leap, missy!
sare: i will leap into a pan of cookies!
mo: then maybe you and missy should be new best friends!
sare: oh look she brought me cookies and i am not going to look the gift cookies in the mouth
I am just going to leap into them!
oh no
oh dear.
poison.
mo: tra la la, sare!
sare: . . .
. . . .
mo: * sigh *
sare: . . .
mo: never fear!
sare: . . . .
. . . .
. . . .
. . .
. . . .
mo: i have the cookie anectodote
sare: . . . .
. . . .
. . . .
mo: * inserts milk *
sare: Oh snap!

meen streetz!

2006-03-06T12:37:00.000-05:00

sare: it's hard to be a pimp
mo: not no more
sare: I said it's hard to be a pimp
No, it's still pretty hard
mo: and i said not no more!
sare: i mean , i know ok
mo: its totally harder to be a hooker
sare: let's just say I know how hard it is
Well, i guess
mo: think about it!
a pimp? Does what?
sare: but pimps have to set up a business model
mo: beats hos!
sare: there is more too it!
mo: a hooker has someone put their pee pee in their pee pee
sare: you don't understand me!
mo: i understand that you don't understand the business model that you keep touting
sare: i have to keep on top of the books!
i have to listen to complaints all day about ho's and pee pees.
and weenises and peeners
mo: you have to beat with your diamond pinky ring
sare: and who-has
everyone forgets the who-has!
mo: beater
sare: well. it's a tough job.
i'm going to go back to being a gangster
or a cashier
no, bc then i'd have to stand all day
gangster
mo: i wish you return to your broadway star roots, but
i understand
sare: DAM IT FEELS GOOD TO BE A GANGSTER

They Say the Neon Lights are Bright

2006-03-06T12:20:00.000-05:00

mo: dear big time agent man,
i need you in my life
yes, i know that's not really the direction you run but could you please as we say in the industry, hook me up?
love,
squeaky voice on the phone
PS - I will give you gummy bears

sare: can you get me good seats?

mo: of course!
you can even watch from the wings if you desire

sare: cool

mo: in fact!
will you star beside me?

sare: sure!
oh man! what am I gonna wear?!?!?

mo: that's what's wonderful about the theatre
they put us in the clothes
and then when we are nominated for the tony
they clothe us as well

sare: omg!
i am going to drink so much champange
like nine miles of it

mo: yes! they will also give us baskets like at the oscars
but there will not be an ipod in it due to the lack of revenue that broadway generates

sare: i can't wait to be famous and have people try to get into my dressing room

mo: that's why i have hired hambone

sare: and be like "no!" all tragic shading my eyes
"you mustn't see me without my makeup!"

mo: i will yell in a trilly little voice!
hambone!

sare: and i'd sing a mournful tune as i pulled off my falsies

mo: will you, please! help ms. sare with her fans

sare: we're going to have the most wig caps

mo: not moist wig caps
actually by the end, they will be

sare: EW!

mo: sare, that's the theatre
we glisten

sare: the reviews!

mo: HAMBONE! please get me my glasses!
oh, I can't

sare: dont make me shade my eyes again

mo: Ms. Nowak is giving roughly a dozen of the liveliest performances to be seen this year, all at the same time.

sare: I'm so tired

mo: Ms. Medlin exudes a bright zeal and conviction that rivals that of her Tony-winning predecessor, Marissa Jaret Winokur.

sare: I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS, REEGE!
but it sounds great!

mo: NEITHER DO I!
HOW DARE THEY EQUATE ME WITH THAT THAT THAT WOMAN!
I've originated this role

sare: she's so dead.

a little later

mo: i had to walk someone to my boss lady
and then go pee
how's our imaginary career going?

sare: i got bored with it and had a baby out of wedlock

handsome is an old lady word.

2006-03-03T11:55:00.000-05:00

sare: i referred to someone as "handsome"
Am I gay?
mo: you are gay, but that's not because you referred to him as handsome - it's because you gave me a handjob during the show
sare: just being freindly
mo: it was mighty neighborly of you
sare: was I good?
mo: yes!
i hope to see a show with you again!
sare: maybe I can sit next to you this time
mo: hee!
sare: QUITE a reach from the row behind.
mo: gay!

WE ARE BREAKING UP WITH YOU, WORLD.

2006-03-02T15:17:00.000-05:00

mo: Dear Fags.
sare: What up?
mo: We've decided you aren't worth it
sare: We totally already know you talk behind our backs
mo: Which frankly, sucks it!
sare: just so you know, we are crying as we type this
bc we are not heartless
mo: seriously, you are the heartless ones
always ignoring my friendster requests
mo: like when i said lets go see Cabin Boy together as a lark
and you thought, i meant it like ooh, good movie, so instead you didn't come
that sucked
sare: quite frankly i watch the news and don't take this the wrong way, but it's boring and depressing
mo: if just once, you read your history books, you'd know that you're repeating yourself - you kind of remind me of my mom.
sare: it's not like i was looking for a huge commitment from you, but i felt like i didn't even matter to you some times. sometimes and a lot!
mo: World, you meant yourself to me, but I'm not the girl I was when I first met you and I think you'd realize that if you took the time to NOTICE ME.
EVER
sare: and DON'T say that I can't do better than you bc that is just STUCK UP and IGNORANT
mo: and you know that whole cliche of its not you, its me? It does not apply to us
sare: BC IT SO IS YOU
sare: I am not paying you back for the trip to niagara on the lake because i paid for the car and also it was your idea to stay at such an expensive place!
mo: What do you even need to take a mini-break from?
You’re on an AXEL!
your path is totally set out for you
sare: You are permanently reclined, you know? I have to walk around in your gravity ALL THE TIME.
mo: SELFISH. SELFISH. SELFISH.
sare: I promised i wouldn't get angry writing this bc you are not worth it
sare: i hope for the best for you and i truly hope you get yourself STRAIGHTENED OUT
mo: until then, i shall be out of your hemisphere, looking for more than a couple of continents and wishing you well
sare: in summary, world, consider yourself DUMPED.
mo: WE ARE THE DUMPEES! FOR ONCE
mo: Love & Sparkles
sare: US.
mo: PS - please don't take this personally
sare: pps- Don’t try to log in to our email bc we have changed the PASSWORD and that is INVASIVE to our PRIVACY!!!!! (GROW UP.)

Tit-le

2006-03-02T10:42:00.000-05:00

sare: i am wearing my scarf all day
because I am wearing the boobie sweater that i wore last friday

mo: boobie sweater!

sare: low cut!

mo: sex!

sare: form fitting!

mo: TITalating

sare: and WHATTA FORM!
knockers are a knockout!

mo: THIS.JUST.IN. Boobies Ban in Brazil!

sare: Bra-zilch! these hooters fly free!

mo: on hooter air

sare: ConTITnental!

mo: UniTITed

sare: Quantits.

mo: Bustansa

sare: Del-tatas.

mo: FronTier

sare: jetBOOB

mo: AmeriCANS

sare: SouthBREAST

mo: AT(it)A

sare: EasyJet

mo: SpirTIT

sare: VIRGIN!
the end

mo: hot.

Just You & Me

2006-03-01T15:41:00.000-05:00

mo: lets get rid of the others

sare: yeah!

mo: i mean KILL!

sare: KILL!!!!!
KILL!
KILL!
KILL!
KILL!

mo: like i'd even have to try and convince you!
i've brought something new to murder with!

sare: ?!

mo: paper!
i saw it in a movie!
it was deliciously awful

sare: oh!
i was just thinking about this

mo: you stuff them with paper and make it all literary!

sare: oh my
i was just thinking how hard it is to kill yourself with paper cuts
because they can only happen by accident

mo: if you try hard enough, anything is possible

sare: me: I was thinking about this at the dmv

mo: at the dmv, well there's a good place for killing if i ever heard of

sare: yeah
i had plenty of time
AND PLENTY OF PAPER

mo: and plenty of others to hold 'em down

sare: i was thinking about doing this to myself though
but your way works too

mo: WE KILL OTHERS NOT OURSELVES
even though we'd like to go to 2nd heaven

sare: OK

>posts conversation<

2006-03-01T10:59:00.000-05:00

sare: i am making you a mix cd
called "ghey for medlin"

mo: ME?

sare: yeah, and then it will mean we are going out

mo: * flutters eyelashes *
* puts hand on cleavage *

sare: >so do i<

mo: * oggles earlobe *

sare: >trims bangs<

mo: * does the hustle *

sare: >mourns childhood pet<

mo: * realizes grandmother really wasn't that bad *

sare: >learns italian<

mo: * discovers new path to subway *

sare: >cures lupus<

mo: * dives for coral *

sare: >composes four-hour opera about archduke Ferdinand<

mo: * teaches polar bear sign language while living in an igloo with the inuits *

sare: >learns to fly a plane and uses it to write "i love you medlin" in the sky, in Italian<

mo: * commands the seventh fleet to bomb the Taliban on Sarah's birthday *

sare: >builds time machine to go back to the time of moses and convince him to make the 11th commandment "thou shalt be good and kind to medlin, always."<

mo: * convinces the greeks to change the big dipper to be named the Sare *

sare: >gives mo's cats the ability to speak<
>english<

mo: * renders all men except stan unable to stand up to Sare's charm and have them give her all their money *

sare: >buys mo giant apartment with washer and dryer<

mo: * sends Sare on world tour, but I come along and we become famous girl group that never breaks up *

sare: >makes sweet love to ryan reynolds<

mo: * lands lead in next Pixar project directed by Andrew Stanton *

sare: >becomes famouser than angelina jolie and pretty like lindsay lohan but with out all the bad press<

mo: [SCREECH]
SARE! YOU ALREADY ARE PRETTIER THAN LINDSAY

sare: >orgasms<

mo: * rides away on big white horse *

sare: >misses her<

mo: * comes back suddenly, pulls Sare behind *
* sun sets *

sare: >hands over mix cd<

kill, secretary, kill!

sare and mo reconnect

sare & mo talk politicalish

sare & mo with extra killing sauce

in loving memory of things we used to remember

greetings from camp sare & mo

sarie & mo dream of alaska

sare and mo find the true nature of *****

sarie and mo count down to 5 o'clock

sarie & mo, hard hitting political analysts

sarie & mo help out the striking writers

sarah and mo say "SHUT YOUR FACE, LOVE."

how sarie & mo became trillionaires

u mae kiz da bride

improv, a journey with sarie & mo

keep the change (with special correspondent dan!)

retribution ain't just a river anywhere

today-beep means yes and eep means no.

sare and mo connect

sare & mo discover truth universal

sare and mo join an improv troupe

sare & mo come to blows over what, no one knows

what you're missing

sarie and mo like to simile smile

sarie & mo dissect american icons

sare & mo diversify

sare and mo get sainted or maybe pope'd

sare and mo celebrit-itemize

sare & mo r learnin' the facts of life

sare and guest get prank'd

sare and mo talk to a celebrity

sare and mo would like you to lean in close so they can show you something.

sare & mo are very lazy

sare & mo uncrinkle the celluloid

sare and mo find the winner of the conversation

sare & mo prepare for a very special kill

sarah and mo have mixed feelings about Glen Frey (we meant don henley and also don't actually care, JEFF)

mo puts her ass on the line for a calculator

sare & mo have brush with fame

sare & mo have a business plan

sare and mo want you to stop m.f.ing calling and hanging up

sare and mo take an imagination break

Sare & Mo Have a Show*

Mo tries for an apology but finds a guest poster instead.

sare and mo celebrate someone noticing the new mail folders

sare and mo get back to their roots

mo gets jury duty

sare and mo sing a song

sare and mo sign off after a long day of hate

sare and mo are famous

sare and mo make a descision and accidentally get married

mo took two days off

sare and mo take on google results

sare and mo call each other grasshopper

sare & mo use this word in a sentance

sare and mo predict the g*d*am future already

sare and mo predict the g*d*am future already

sare & mo find out who will save their soul

sare and mo don't know what in the world they're going to wear

mo is away from her computer right now.

mo & sare day in the life

mo and sare sort of get new identities again.

mo is in acceptance

mo is in the depression

mo is in the bargaining

mo is in the anger

mo is in the denial

sare & mo make sense

sare & mo make spam

Sare Goes On Vacation

sare and mo prep to kill

sare and mo go up above the murderous toilet paper

Pure Imagination

sare and mo tell griggs to suck it.

seeds

We Will Have The Most Tense Violins

TART TART

word to your moms!

Contest Weiner!

Why am I always the boy?

sare and mo predict the gdam future already

sare and mo predict the gdam future already