Fan Mail

Been loving killsecretarykill... you guys are weirder than I even knew. PODCAST!!!

sare: hee

mo: weird?
we're just killers

sare: WE JUST KILL PEOPLE AND DIE A LOT

mo: THAT'S SO NOT WEIRD

sare: LOL I THOUGHT SO

mo: YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD?
I SAID! DO YOU KNOW WHAT'S WEIRD?

sare: WHATS SO WEIRD
I ASKED YOU WHATS SO WEIRD

mo: WHAT'S WEIRD IS WHEN YOU TOTALLY WANT TO HEAR DON'T IT MAKE MY BROWN EYES BLUE AND IT PLAYS!

sare: THAT IS CRAZY BUSINESS!
NOW I GO HOME
OH SHIT NOW I HAVE BLUE EYES

mo: NOW THAT'S WEIRD

sare: NOW I LEAVE
LOBVELOVLEOVLEOVELOVELVOELVOELVEOVEELOE
OH SHIT I BROKE IT

wrong vending machine

Sare: there is no point in living
i will just drink this anthrax
anthrax is delicious!
the bubbles tickle my nose!

mo: SARE!

sare: dying is so sweet, why didn't i do this before?

mo: nooooooooooooo!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

sare: i want more!

mo: you're my angel!

sare: who's got fifty cents?
oh wait.

mo: if you die, then where am I in relation to this world

sare: it's ginger ale.

mo: *dancing on the ceiling*

no time for learning

mo: * shakes head *
when will we learn? when will we learn?

sare: on the tenth of never!

mo: about 10 after eternity

sare: Blursday, the unknown eighth day of the week!

mo: In the year of our lord, -1500

sare: the spring of 2036! (yeah, right! like there will even be humans on earth that year! lol!)

mo: I can't wait for the end of everything!

sare: that's why I'm not paying back my student loans. f that s.

Gentle Ben is Actually Dead

sare: i know mr. t but he is mad old
he waters my plants when I am at work

mo: your plants are crazy thirsty
BEKY!
she'd be perfect
SHE'S MEAN AND SO CRANKY

sare: my plants are thirsty

mo: good thing you got mr. t and not beky

sare: he's good at it
it keeps him active

mo: and after that cancer scare
we need to do all we can to keep him going

sare: he takes his time, watches his stories

mo: he's so gentle
if gentle ben the show about the bear had been done in the 80's with mr t
i would have watched it
i watched it anyway
but think of it, man, a black man living in the woods with a bear
he'd have to have been a runaway slave though so maybe not

sare: that makes me uncomfortable!
hey!

mo: oh! but plotlines could include him helping the underground railroad!

sare: whooo-wah!

mo: are you trying to make me stop?
because once i get an idea this big, i can't stop, sare - you know that

sare: Gold chains!

mo: so, mr. t & ben the bear live in the woods and occasionally trappers come
and make trades with mr. t
and one time one of the trappers is blind but is a huge racist
but he can't see that mr. t is black and has gold chains which don't fit with the time period buthat'sts ok because well, it's mr t
mr t saves this trapper from a certain death and somehow in a plot twist its revealed that mr t is black!
i know!
by the trappers son who mr t gets ben to go and get a message to
this would have been the best show of the '80s

Dear Ball

sare: DEAR MAGIK EIGHT BAL!
WILLI EVAR KISS A BOYE>?

mo: CAN'T PREDICT NOW

sare: STUPI DBALL

mo: ASK AGAIN

sare: ARE YOU WASHINGYUR HAIR 0R SOMETHING
YOU ARE TOO BUSY FOR ME EIGHT BALL

mo: JUST ASK AGAIN

sare: OK WILL I EVAR KISS ANY BOYES?

mo: SIGNS POINT TO YES
BUT YOU SHOULD ASK AGAIN

sare: OK WILL I EVERE KISH ANY BOYES?

mo: WITHOUT A DOUBT

sare: OK BALL IW ILL NOT GIVE YOU SUCH A SHAKEW NEXT TIME

Moments later

sare: DEAR MAGIK EIGHT BALL I JUST KISS ABOY I THOUGH YOU SHOULD KNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111

mo: TOLD YOU SO

sare: SHUT UP BRAT GO DRINK SOME BLUE WATER

Old Wives and Cold Hair

mo: did it make your head cold?
sare: my scalp is a little cold
it wasn't until I took my hair out of the bun
now air is getting all up in there
mo: you know, you don't get sick from cold hair
i just want you to really know that
sare: well, if you have cold hair, then you get someone's germs on you, and then in you and then you get sick
I mena,
mean
I mena
mo: yes
sare: I am incapapble of typing that correctly
EVAR
EVAAAAAAAAAAAAAR
mo: but cold hair is not indicative of getting sick
I’m very focused right now on spreading the truth
so your inability to spell mean has not penetrated my concentration
sare: your up against a lot of ignorance
you are
you're
have i shaekn you yet?!?!?
mo: nope
sare: old wives tales 4life!
mo: germs spread through not washing your hands
not though having wet hair
fucking ignorant fucks
sare: you get pregnant by sitting on a toilet seat
rub a potato on your wart and bury it yalls!!!!!!
mo: SARE!
we've now got a mission!
sare: another one?
mo: this one is bigger than any!
we shall kill people who believe the myths!
sare: we can't kill them all!
if you kill one, ten take their place!
like when you pluck a hair.
mo: MYTH! now I have to kill you
sare: no!
wait, yes!
then i get to go to heaven!
that's a true place right?
mo: before me
yes
i believe that heaven is a real place
sare: or hell! ooooo boogety
mo: oh! no! someone may have to kill me now
sare: haa-haa
what goes around comes around
that's not a myth! It’s a saying
mo: * heavy sigh *
you're already dead sare - you can say whatever you want at this point
sare: DEAD MAN WALKING
that's not a myth its a movie
mo: written by a nun
sare: that is nunsense! (musical!)
mo: also written by a nun

Second Heaven

sare: I like when people refer to each other as Big Shot

mo: you want me to change your name from sare to big shot
because i will

sare: no, i'm just saying

mo: and then, every time you see your name
it will make you happy for once

sare: you ARE a loose cannon

mo: and it won't have anything to do with anything

sare: oh snap

mo: and all the times in high school when you felt small will be eradicated

sare: I am a big shot.

mo: you are
i'm like G*d here
just making your life perfect and you don't even appreciate it
i know how G*d feels

sare: i know how G*d smells
like chicken wings.

mo: and matches

sare: so bitey!

mo: sulfur, which is the height of irony

sare: right? 'cause you're like "is that brimstone?"
and you're like, "nope, sulfur!"
people don't know if they're going up or down!

mo: and you just shake your head when you realize, it's just G*d

sare: and then it's like "so when can I have some chicken wings?"
is there food in heaven?

mo: is there food in heaven?
is there FOOD in heaven?
man, there better be

sare: IS there food in heaven?

mo: of course!

sare: good
i will eat so many donuts.

mo: you know what they have besides donuts?
taco bells on every corner

sare: is there heart disease i heaven? the answer is probably NO.

mo: where would you go if you died of it?
heaven the sequel?

sare: there is a second heaven!
better restaurants

mo: dijon restaurants

sare: and when people came up from the first heaven you could totally act superior

mo: because you have died TWICE! suck it, bitches

sare: dying in heaven is like being famous
actually, wouldn't it be kind of annoying?

mo: but 15 min of fame is like an eternity

sare: like everybody is like "Seen it. Attention whore."

mo: some famous people say that being famous is annoying

sare: this is true
i bet there are not as many starbucks in heaven.

mo: THERE.ARE.NO.STARBUCKS.

sare: as there are in my neighborhood

mo: maybe in a certain corner

sare: just the smell from time to time
when you can smell the coffee and not chicken wings, you know god is not with you

mo: maybe in heaven you only see the stuff that makes you happy
you also smell whatever you want for your G*d
personally, matches & chicken wings totally make me happy

sare: so we're all set.

mo: but maybe a Muslim smells um, pita bread
and hummus

And I Bought You Something from Skymall

sare: cool
he is very nice

mo: i BELIEVE YOU

sare: IT IS VERY IMPORTANT THAT YOU UNDERSTAND THAT I THINK HE IS A NICE PERSON

mo: ITS IMPORTANT FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND THAT I BELIEVE YOU BUT AM WAITING TO MAKE MY OWN OPINION
THAT IS WHY I, SARE, AM AN AMERICAN

sare: IT IS A FACT THAT HE IS NICE
FACT

mo: WHY DON'T YOU MOVE TO KOREA AND BECOME APART OF THE POLITICS THERE
BECAUSE THAT KIND OF FLAGRANT DISREGARD OF PEOPLE AND THEIR OPINIONS DOES NOT FLY HERE

sare: YOU ARE BEING A KOREA POLITIC TO ME!!!!!!

mo: HOW DARE YOU!

sare: ARE YOU RACIST AGAINST KOREANS NOW????

mo: THAT IS NOT RACISM ! IT IS SIMPLY STATING THE FACT THAT
OOPS!
WRONG KOREA
SOUTH KOREA
THAT'S WHAT I MEANT

sare: KOREA IS YOUR OPINION
I WILL WAIT TO SEE FOR MY SELF WHEN I BECOME A POLITIC THERE

mo: I AM AN AMERICAN WHO MISSPOKE
I MEANT SOUTH KOREA
YOU SHOULD JUST MOVE THERE AND SEE

Minutes go by

sare: i AM BACK FROM KOREA

mo: I TOLD YOU TO GO TO SOUTH KOREA

sare: I BROUGHT YOU THESE LITTLE UMBRELLAS FROM MY DRINKS THAT I HAD

mo: BUT AS AN AMERICAN YOU CAN GO WHEREVER YOU CHOOSE
PFFT!

sare: THEY BUMPED ME UP TO FIRST CLASS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

mo: SARE. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING. I DID NOT TELL YOU TO GO TO REGULAR KOREA
YOU GOT DRUNK DIDN'T YOU?

sare: I STILL AM!!!!!!!!!

mo: KOREANS DRINK STRONG DRINKS! LIKE THE JAPANESE

sare: OH WELL.

I Am, I Said

sare: tell me something to blog about

mo: have any weird dreams lately?

sare: not at all
i don't ever remember them

mo: um

sare: i can write about that

mo: i'd be interested in your favorite food

sare: ok

mo: i love reading about mashed potatoes
i sound silly but i love hearing about the minutiae, the details

sare: ok

mo: NEIL DIAMOND IS IN THE HOUSE!

sare: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
are you fer real?
near you?

mo: i gotta go look!

sare: I can't think about food at a time like this

later:

mo: oh!
i saw him!
oh!
oh!
and cousin brucey
but whatever
NEIL FUCKING DIAMOND

sare: is he singing!!!??!?!?

mo: that's all
no

sare: OH!
sigh

mo: just signing a bike for charity

sare: haaaaaaaaaaa

Time to Kill the Prostitute

mo: I'd like to be a polish miner and I'd like you to be my baby daughter

sare: ok, cool. Let's do that one where we're alleycats complaining thatthe musical didn't get it right.

mo: Or we could be star gazers on the last night on earth

sare: Let's not do the one where I'm trying to buy cigarettes from you but I don't know which ones I want and so I rob you, but then it turns out I am either your mom or your husband we can't decide, and then we argue about it. Let's save that one for a special night.

mo: Isn't tonight that special night?

sare: you're right mo, you're always right.

>knowing smile<
>sips brandy<
>pets tiger<

mo: what's the ticker say today?

oh, sare! stock is up 100%

time to kill the prostitute

>shuffles over to gun rack<
>loads 45<
>opens closet door<
>shoots<
>shuffles back to the fire place<
>grabs brandy from top of fireplace<

sare: hhhmmm . . . Normally I'd say 'we have to get ready for the governor's ball, but there's no way we'll be invited now!

>throws head back, laughs<
>cuts off own side ponytail<
>throws hair into fire<
>tongue kisses tiger<

mo: Oh, you card! after all the dirt we have on the gov, we're shoe ins - now where did i put my garbanzo beans

sare: >pulls out can of bans in threatening manner<

I've been waiting for you to slip up!!!!!!

mo: OH, YEAH, FANCY PANTS?

>pulls out cork from bad wine<
>guzzles<
>eats twinkies and a bowl of peanut butter<

sare: Et tu? J'accuse!

>dresses up like a cowboy<
>buys a white castle franchise<

BLACKOUT

Wichy Woman

mo: there was the BEST sandwich shop name today
that i saw
that started like this:
'wich
and i know it was witchy, but i can't remember the pun
and now?
i hate

sare: that's cute!
id love to start a sandwich shop with you
we'd have the most chips

mo: that would be so much fun!
the most in the world
but they would NOT be moist

sare: like 9 kinds of chips

mo: and!
i'd have a chicken salad sandwich!

sare: totally!

mo: and i would be eating it every second

sare: and we could have suggestions of pairings of like what kind of chips goes with a particular sandwich

mo: yes
and a jar with a bunch of marbles that people would guess the number

sare: like with a tuna, you got to have sour cream and cheddar.

mo: and even when they were right, they'd be wrong

sare: yes! and we wouldn't even know the number. it would be a mystery.
NO SUN CHIPS. i swear to god.

mo: no!
true none!

sare: I don't want that oaty shit. fucking potatoes.

mo: but ALWAYS!
doritos
with sour cream on the side if you want

sare: doritos on every plate

mo: and!
i'd make some dam ass nachos

sare: yes, like you could make the nachos and every once in a while we'd say "help yourself to some nachos."

mo: with more cheese then they understand
and!

sare: and we'd say "no, it's ok. it's a lot of cheese. just try it." and they wouldn't have to pay. and they'd be grateful for the mind expanding experience

mo: even though i don't like the guac! they'd have it

sare: i like the guac, so i'll handle all guac issues for you.

mo: but !
i definitely want to have the guac bowl thingy
and puppies are allowed in
and boo & zuzu sleep in the window most the times

sare: we could have PUPPY DAY!

mo: yes!

sare: we'd have the most bones.

mo: and if they dress them? we'd give them free 'wiches

sare: totally.

mo: i told stanny that he was allowed free sandwiches
ok?

sare: well, ok.
only if he helps.

mo: he'll lift the heavy stuff
like the bulk mayo

A Couple Days Later

mo: i got a sandwich from 'wich craft!
there is one nearby and paul brought it back!
bad for you kind
a ham with melted white cheddar & quince
(quince is like apple sort of?)

sare: dang
i guess

mo: but!
our sandwich shoppe will kick that sandwich shops ass

sare: yeah totally

mo: mostly 'cause ours is a shoppe

sare: yes!
with a whole wall of chips

mo: A WHOLE FUCKING WALL

sare: you can't top that. try it.

mo: we'll have dirty chips
and chips from england
and chips that WE MAKE!
and leigh will knit chips

sare: i will mime chips

mo: poker chips!

sare: you can just throw chips on the floor, like at rodeo, or ground round

mo: because! we'll have a fucking game room
A FUCKING GAME ROOM SUCKERS!

sare: eat it 'wich craft

mo: boom!

Stinkbutt Horoscope

sare: Today, stinkbutt, while attending some kind of voluntary program or helping those in need, you may meet the person of your dreams. The cosmos suggests that this may not be the hottest person at the disco, but they will surely have the biggest heart in town

I really wish he was the hottest person at the disco

mo: but his heart may eat your heart!

sare: oh my god!
his heart, it's stomping through the streets
waging a path of destruction!

mo: the shoe imprint of his heart is bigger than my head!
he's coming straight at the baby carriage!

sare: what type of mutated freak has a heart so big!!?!?!??!??!

mo: it's carnage! his heart must be stopped!

sare: he's my love! And I'll thank you not to stare!

mo: i can't help staring at him - look at his fists!
that's how big his heart is

sare: aren't they wonderful?

mo: why can't you keep his heart in line?
his heart smushed my impatients again!
i implore you to get his heart a leash

sare: I can't!!!
he's not a monster!
I can't chain him!
how do you harness a heart?

mo: then put a tag on his heartneck and get the thing that will shock his heart if he gets to near the property line!

sare: so cruel . . .but if I must

mo: look at my impatients! I worked all summer on them!

sare: i'm so sorry, he only wanted to cover them with love

mo: bloody love

sare: he just wanted to LOVE your flowers
and that building

mo: i haven't seen my dog, arnold, in 2 weeks

sare: and the baby >shakes head< oh . . . the baby.

mo: i don't suppose you know anything about that?

sare: he's . . . allergic.

mo: and your point would be?
wait!
you're completely admitting to it - his heart killed arnold!

sare: what! no!
you can't prove it!
he loved that dog
LOVED that dog.

mo: ARNOLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sare: listen, you're going through a tough time
maybe you need a hug . . . . . .

mo: oooooooooooooooh! i see behind you!
i know what you're doing to me
* runs *
* slips on blood *

sare: * giant hand snatches after you *
Just give in!

mo: * pulled back by right ventricular *

sare: it's wonderful!

mo: (i know my body!)
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
* bu-bun * * bu-bun * * bu-bun *
in the pattern of jaws

sare: :veins shoot out and wrap around your legs:

mo: aortic valve closes over my head

sare: You shouldn't have talked!

mo: AR
* suck *
NO
* suck *
LD

sare: he's in there.
you'll see him.

mo: * cue music *
* sweet strains of reunited and it feels so good *

sare: CREDITS
BLOOPER REEL

Franzetti, don't be a hero

mo: actually, i'd have said no fucking way
i would have dropped the f bomb
that's right! in a church

sare: day-um

mo: i'd be a loose cannon

sare: the commissioner is coming down on me! I've got the mayor calling! you've got to start doing things by the books!

mo: REGGIE! a woman's life is on the line and you're going to follow the books? What kind of candy ass are you. Be a Man for once in your life.

sare: I've got three days left until I RETIRE, and you're not going to screw that up!

mo: Don't worry, Reg - nothing will happen
it's just a stake out

sare: good, now this is a little unorthodox, but I've replaced your partner with a german shepard.

mo: Cripes! How's he gonna call in for help?

sare: He's a very smart, straight-laced dog. He knows morse code. You might learn something from him, Franzetti.

mo: all because of a lousy misdemeanor?
i call bull.shit.

sare: HAND IN YOUR BADGE, FRANZETTI.

mo: SARGE! Take my fucking badge, but don't think I'm off the case.

sare: Don't pull any of that vigilante bullshit in my district!

mo: Too late, Sarge, too late. The city has be neglecting this woman for the past 3 months, I'm not going to let her or her 3 year old son down.
I'm going to get that son of a bitch if it's the last thing i do

sare: ::bullet shatters window, hits sarge in the chest::
. . . this is bigger than us . . .franzetti . . .

mo: SARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGEEEEEEEEEEE!
::FALLS ON KNEES::
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Coffee Run

sare: one of the girls just came back with a dunkin donuts bag
NO I DIDNT WANT ANY THINK YOU

mo: i will kill her
you want me to?
do you?

sare: I'm only on MY PERIODS!!!!!!!

mo: because i fucking will
i will come over there on my honda scooter that i OWN

sare: it's. . . no. sigh. it's fine.

mo: and rip her gap t-shirt off her flat chest

sare: oh my . . .

mo: and rake her OWN fake nails across her malformed face

sare: now, now see here, that's . . that's awful kind of you but

mo: NOBODY disregards sarah and her periods
not on my friendship watch

sare: well, now, that's nice but don't you think that's going a little too far? i mean, it is just a coffee run . . .

mo: JUST A COFFEE RUN? next your going to say that its OK to not learn english when you move to america

sare: well, of course it's not ok, but you know, this girl maybe didn't realize . ..
oh jesus. she's. she's not breathing is she?

mo: i'm not finished

sare: Beky? Beky?

mo: hand me that stapler

sare: oh, jeez, ok.

mo: thinks she can walk by my sarah

sare: ok, well, um . . go easy.

mo: oh, little bitch probably didn't have to pay for her college education
mommy loves beky so much - mommy would never let anything happen to beky- well where's mommy now?

sare:
. . . .
I'm going to get some paper towelling
mop up some of this blood, and . .is this bile?
oh, michele.

mo: bile? not bad enough
i'll follow her into hell to rub her nose in this

sare:
>smiles<
>shakes head<
grab me a donut on the way down! Ha! Ah-hahaha!

mo: Oh ... I'll get you your donut

sare: Whoops!
>slips in blood<
>laughs harder!<

mo: are you ok?
i will kill her again!

sare: Oh you! You are out of control!
>laughs over credits<
>montage of you slaughtering the office<
>because they all have "her face"<

mo: HOW'S BEKY FEELING NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWW?

sare:
>canned laughter<
we'll be right back!

Murder and sandwich shoppes and also more murder

Sometimes what distracts you from work is the only thing keeping your officemates alive.